


Never Too Late

by ilicon



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Canon Compliant, Drunk Zayn, Everyone Needs A Hug, Flashbacks, Hurt Louis, Hurt Zayn, Liam being Liam, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Simon is an asshole, So much angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:00:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23688823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilicon/pseuds/ilicon
Summary: Louis slams the glass on the nightstand and Zayn flinches at the sound.As he rolls over away from it, the brightness from the window hits his eyes and he slowly blinks them open, looking around confusedly for a few moments until he sees Louis standing by the bed.He sits upright too fast and immediately buries his face in his palms, a grunt bubbling up his throat, voice scratchy and rough. "Oh, shit..." he mumbles into his hands, rocking back and forth seemingly without realizing it.
Relationships: Zayn Malik/Louis Tomlinson, past Louis Tomlinson/Harry Styles
Comments: 19
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy! :D

Zayn calls in the middle of the night, crying and a little drunk, a litany of apologies that Louis barely makes out falling from his lips.

Louis swallows all the curses at the tip of his tongue and simply asks if Zayn is in London. Zayn chokes up a _"Y-yeah."_ amongst his sobs, sounding guilty about it, as though he had no right to be there or as though he were there only for this.

Louis tells him to come over and Zayn's hesitant about it, like he doesn't believe him, like Louis will burst out laughing at him any second now.

He says he'll be there in half an hour.

It's hard to determine whether it's a dream or not as Louis reluctantly throws the covers off of himself and sits up a bit too quickly, making himself light-headed. He tries to blink the dizziness along with the sleep out of his eyes as he throws on a t-shirt and some sweatpants.

He glances at the clock. Nearly 4 AM. What a delight Zayn was.

Louis was quick to decide he couldn't do this without a cup of tea so he headed straight for the kitchen, mumbling to himself about the audacity Zayn had, calling at that ungodly hour to half-ass an apology as though he hadn't been an utter prat.

Louis should have never picked up or he should have hung up in Zayn's face or, in any case, shouldn't have done what he did. Unfortunately, whatever may have happened and whatever hostility may have grown between them, they were once friends and Louis was too sentimental to forget that, even if Zayn now said he regretted being in the band or he'd never wanted to be there in the first place or he was never happy with the lads or whatever he said these days.

Louis is too exhausted both physically and mentally to put up any defense against the memories that come rushing in his head and the old feelings that he's let sit so long they've turned unpleasantly sour, as though he can taste them on his tongue.

Louis feels like throwing up and the smell that hits his nostrils doesn't help in the slightest. He burnt the tea.

He washes the taste down with a cold beer instead as he curls up around himself on the couch, turning on his laptop and wondering if Zayn will actually show up or if he's passed out in some dumpster by now, which is a possibility, all things considered, so Louis should maybe call him, see if he's alright.

He doesn't call.

Louis was going to find something to listen to or watch to better prepare himself for seeing Zayn after all this time, for Zayn's apology of all things, but it wasn't long before he realized there was nothing in the world that would untie the knot in his stomach so he might as well make it worse with videos of their performances together, their years in the band.

All their good years, yeah, the ones they wasted, according to Zayn.

One beer turns to two fairly quickly in a futile attempt to at least numb the feelings but Louis is too tense for anything to work, it's like he's drinking flavoured water, like american tea. He drinks it anyway.

When Zayn knocks on the door it's fast and curt, like he's hoping Louis won't answer and they can pretend this whole situation never happened. Louis decides to grant him a choice and is late to answer, just in case Zayn decides to flee while he still can.

Zayn knocks again, more certain this time.

Louis swings the door open and it's so obvious he was waiting behind it that Zayn gets startled, hand stuttering in a fist in the air.

Zayn looks... different, and Louis takes a moment to take him in, to really _look_ at him.

The elegance of his features, the sheer beauty of his characteristics, the nigh insurmountable urge to call him _pretty boy_ , those things haven't changed, even though it's evident that more and more of Zayn's skin got inked as time passed, much like Louis' own, and a quick internet search amongst the emotional One Direction videos had suggested that Zayn's hair suffered more than a few changes lately, only to settle for being shaven on the sides, much like Louis' own.

His eyes are different, they look more tired, more knowing, though no less breath-taking, and Louis is pretty sure he can pinpoint the exact moment Zayn's caramel eyes dimmed a little, just a bit at first and then more and more, the exact moment those eyes stopped looking at the people Zayn was with and started looking for a way out wherever he was, back while they were wasting their good years.

There's a sense of devastation about him, like he's so deep into decay he'll break anything he touches and bring it down with him, like he's fully accepted that that's what he is, almost like he's doing it on purpose. Louis' always found people like that fascinating, they shared that habit of carving a path of destruction ahead of them, he could respect that, in a very strange way. Right now, Zayn looks like destruction itself.

Some things Louis is late to notice. For example, how Zayn's clothes are rumpled, how his pupils are dialated, how he's holding onto the doorframe so hard that his knuckles have turned white and his legs look like they'll give out if he lets go. He's still drunk.

Louis doesn't say a word, he just slips a hand around Zayn's waist, fitting his shoulder under Zayn's arm to support his weight, and he's surprised by how easy and familiar the movement is, even though it's been years since he last had to carry a wasted Zayn. Zayn goes easily, somehow remembering to slide the door shut behind them as Louis guides him inside.

He really can't help the quiet curses that he hisses through gritted teeth because this isn't fair, he shouldn't have to deal with this, not after everything Zayn's said, not just on twitter but in a handful of especially hostile messages and voicemails that never got out to the public, words that made Louis cry on occasion, even if he'll only admit it when nobody's around.

Zayn has no coordination whatsoever which makes Louis worry about whether he drove in the state he's in and how he even found the right address but he doesn't have the time to think about all that because Zayn sways a little and his eyes widen a fraction and Louis knows what that means.

He makes quick work of dragging Zayn to the bathroom and pushing him on his knees in front of the toilet seat just in time as Zayn leans forward and throws up. Louis kneels next to him, keeping a hand on Zayn's shoulder to steady him if need be and with the other rubbing his back as Zayn empties his stomach, making the occasional detour to pet at his hair a bit, trying to comfort him, however much that hurts.

Soon enough, Zayn lets out a grunt from low in his throat and he's not vomiting anymore but he makes no move to stand. It doesn't take long for Louis to see fresh tear tracks joining the dry ones on his cheeks and he pulls Zayn into his arms, letting him cling to his shirt as he sobs into Louis' chest, and this whole ordeal keeps reminding him of other times Zayn was crying in his arms, apologizing for entirely different instances, all caused for the same bloody reason.

This hurts more than Louis thought, maybe he should have drunk that third beer and maybe a fourth after but he'd stupidly thought that at least one of them had to be sober for this, he now regretted that moment of maturity.

Somehow, he manages to pry Zayn's hands off of him and pull him to his feet, holding him up with his hands wrapped around Zayn's middle, shushing him gently while he tries to take him to his bedroom, finding it hard to walk with all of Zayn's weight in his hands. Zayn doesn't particularly help, he's still crying, only this time he's dipped his head to do it into Louis' neck, bringing his hands to hold onto Louis like he's just realized he's touching him for real.

They stumble in Louis' bedroom, almost falling over a million times in the process but it seems like Louis is the only one who cares about that. Louis sighs deeply when he finally deposits Zayn on the bed and struggles for Zayn to let go of him so he can undress him, since Zayn's clothes reek of alcohol and smoke and Louis is pretty sure he'd appreciate not waking up in them.

Zayn's no longer sobbing now but the tears just won't stop flowing, he looks completely out of it, and Louis thankfully knows how to handle him, two firm pushes at his chest are enough for Zayn to let go and let himself fall on his back.

Louis hates how familiar this whole thing feels, pulling off Zayn's shoes, unbuckling his belt, dragging down the skinny jeans that he's the only one of them five to still wear. He drags Zayn upright by the hands and, although he's limp as a ragdoll, Zayn somehow understands that he has to stay sitting and not fall.

Louis pulls Zayn's jacket off his shoulders and throws it in the little pile at the end of the bed, which the black tank top he's wearing underneath soon joins.

Zayn doesn't seem to react to Louis undressing him, either too far gone to realize or too used to it to find anything strange about it and Louis doesn't know which of the two he prefers. He puts up no resistence when Louis manoeuvres him so he's lying in the bed properly, drawing the covers over him.

However, he tugs lightly at Louis' sweatpants and looks up at him like he wants to say something but can't and Louis suspects alcohol has nothing to with why that is.

"Let me go, we'll talk when you're sober." Louis says sternly and Zayn complies, bringing his hands to hug himself as his eyes flutter shut.

Louis smoothes his hand over Zayn's hair one last time, like he's saying _"Sweet dreams."_ , like he used to, and promptly flees the room to the safety of the balcony, where he can smoke his lungs out in peace and wonder what the Hell just happened.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy! :D

Louis wakes up at noon with a massive headache and rummages through the medicine cabinet for painkillers, figuring he might as well hold on to them for the rest of the day, he's sure they'll be of use.

He'd intended to stay awake all night but his exhaustion got the better of him and he dragged his feet to the guest bedroom at around 6:30 only to collapse on the bed like a corpse, his dreams consisting solely of memories.

He looks like a corpse when he gets up, too. He doesn't do anything about it, it's not like he'll be going out.

Louis orders a late breakfast, knowing that Zayn is likely to wake up with a massive hangover, and prepares four raw egg yolks, the Donny cure.

Zayn is expectedly still sleeping, snoring very softly in the exact way Louis remembers, and the sheet has ridden down his body, the waistband of his boxers showing a little.

Louis slams the glass on the nightstand and Zayn flinches at the sound.

As he rolls over away from it, the brightness from the window hits his eyes and he slowly blinks them open, looking around confusedly for a few moments until he sees Louis standing by the bed.

He sits upright too fast and immediately buries his face in his palms, a grunt bubbling up his throat, voice scratchy and rough. "Oh, shit..." he mumbles into his hands, rocking back and forth seemingly without realizing it.

Louis doesn't say anything, he just waits.

After a while, Zayn rubs at his eyes with the heels of his palms and takes a few deep breaths, like he's mentally preparing himself to face the music or like he's trying to keep himself from throwing up, Louis is sure it's one of the two, if not both.

Finally, Zayn turns towards him, looking up with those wide eyes, like he's begging Louis to say something first, and he's nervous and scared, it's obvious in the imperceptible tremors in his bottom lip, that hasn't changed either.

"Throwing up in my bathroom is hardly an apology, Z, innit?"

It's dry and it lacks the sense of humour it's supposed to have to break the heavy tension but Louis can say he tried and it's enough for him, it's Zayn's move now.

Zayn has the nerve to remain silent and Louis half expects him to blurt out _"I plead the Fifth._ _"_. He sure looks guilty enough.

"Drink that." Louis orders, pointing vaguely at the egg yolks, and Zayn's head follows the movement, eyes locking on the glass and filling with recognition. Once upon a time he drank that shit almost every day. "Go through my closet, get decent, we need to talk."

Zayn nods dumbly, though he makes no move to follow any of those orders, still looking at Louis with those wide eyes like Louis is going to disappear.

So Louis does. He lets out a sigh and leaves the room, shaking his head as he goes to the living room and flops down into the cushions of the couch.

He knows that he'll probably regret this as soon as he's done it and it'll probably cause situations he doesn't want to be in but he still takes out his phone and texts the old group chat with Harry, Niall, and Liam after two years of dead silence because this whole Zayn thing is just too weird.

 _ **Tommo**_ _to_ _ **Niall And The Lads:** this may seem weird lads, sorry, but have any of u talked to Z lately? its important..._

He doesn't wait over the screen for the response, he doesn't expect he'll be getting one any time soon.

Soft footsteps draw Louis' attention to the hallway, where Zayn is standing awkwardly, still in just his underwear, and tentatively asks if maybe it would be okay if he took a shower.

Louis tells him to make himself at home and it drips with bitterness but he means it nonetheless and he hopes Zayn will read past the attitude like he used to. Zayn mumbles his thanks and disappears again from the hallway.

Louis turns on the TV and pretends to look at it.

Twenty minutes later, Louis is still not watching the cooking show that's playing but now he's not watching with pancakes, which at least makes it better. His phone buzzes and he hurries to check it but it's not the boys and his hype dies down.

It's Briana. Asking what time she should drop Freddie at Louis' place.

Shit, Freddie. Louis was so preoccupied with taking care of the ex-bandmate currently using his shower that he completely forgot he has a son and it was a Friday and he had him for the weekend.

He tells her seven works for him if it works for her, too. She's quick to reply that it does. Louis curses and it sounds loud and that's when he realizes the water isn't running anymore.

He turns around to see Zayn, wearing the baggiest clothes Louis possesses and nervously running a tattooed hand through his wet hair that's dripping down his neck.

Louis nods towards the pancakes he's left for Zayn on the coffee table and turns his eyes to the screen, expecting to see pots and pans but suddenly being faced with sharks getting chopped, since the cooking show has obviously ended. He quickly changes channels.

Zayn approaches him and sits down beside him hesitantly, holding himself like he's worried he's taking up too much space. Louis doesn't correct him.

"Louis, I-"

"Eat." Louis leaves no room for objection so Zayn hurries to comply with a haste so ridiculously anxious it would have made Louis laugh under different circumstances but now it falls flat in all that tension, the sound of the fork on the plate and the voices from the TV seem too loud and Louis doesn't hesitate to take another painkiller, ignoring the knowing look Zayn shoots his way with a mouthful of pancakes.

There's silence for a while, uncomfortable and heavy, and Louis doesn't even bother trying to play out in his head how that conversation is going to go, he knows he can't predict Zayn, not when there's all that shit between them.

Louis would be lying if he said he didn't catch wind of a certain twitter issue concerning their matching tattoos but seeing it for real now, faded and barely noticeable, it's different, brings to mind the fragile state their friendship has been in for the past two years, and it strikes Louis again how maliciously poetic Zayn can be when he wants to.

Louis has half a mind to book an appointment to have his _Bus 1_ removed right now, make Zayn hear it, but his thoughts trail off when he sees how Zayn hangs his head after noticing Louis look at his hand, as though he feels guilty. He seems to be guilty about a number of things these past few hours and Louis isn't fast enough to keep at bay the bitter sense of some belated justice that blooms in his chest.

He bites back the sharp comments that pop in his head, though, that has to count for something.

His phone rings and it startles him, vibrating under his thigh, and the sound of very heavily traditional Irish music fills the room. Louis had forgotten the ringtones he's chosen for the boys and he simply says "Niall." in response to Zayn's confused expression.

Zayn turns his head to the floor again as Louis stands and distances himself a little to take the call. He tries to prepare himself for talking to Niall after all this time but it's not easy, he'd expected a text, not a bloody call.

He chuckles to himself when it crosses his mind that, whilst once he couldn't go a day without these boys and he'd cry even at the thought of being separated from them, now he could barely remember Niall's cheerful tone and contagious laughter. Barely, but he could, and it hurt.

"Yeah." he answers lamely, glancing at Zayn quickly, as though he may have left in the past six seconds.

"Hiya, Lou, how you been?" Always bright and sweet Niall. Something cracks in Louis' chest.

"Good, mate, how 'bout you?"

"Uhm, I'm doing alright."

He wants to laugh and cry at the same time.

This turn of events is so achingly ludicrous, so absurd, how they're having the most generic awkward conversation like they hardly know each other and -don't get him wrong- he's had his fair share of awkward phone calls and generic conversations for the sake of empty politesse and courtesy but the boy on the other end of the line has spent endless days and nights with him, he was the first person Louis told when he found out he was going to be a father, for fuck's sake, how did they end up like this?

Louis doesn't know if he plans on saying anything else at all so it's a good thing that Niall goes on after a few moments.

"What was that text in the group chat all about, mate?" he asks.

Louis remembers his bigger issue, currently chancing glances at him from the couch, maybe trying to understand what he's saying on the phone. Louis speaks lower, just in case. "Zayn called me last night, drunk, to say he's sorry."

It's a few moments of silence before Niall sighs. "He asked me for your number yesterday morning, said he wanted to apologize but he'd deleted it. I don't think Li and Haz know anything."

It's no surprise, now that Louis thinks about it, that Zayn deleted his number, Zayn's always had that destructive habit to erase his past with someone when he's sure they have no future. It seems this time he wasn't quite so sure about it, the past caught up to him.

Louis imagines him trying to call all day, always backing out in the last second, ending up drunk and high late at night, the substances in him probably being the catalyst he needed, so that explains some things.

Knowing Zayn, Liam and Harry probably don't know anything indeed.

"Well, he's at my place now, showed up in the middle of the night." Louis doesn't know why he says that, why he feels that the boys need to know this, that this is a band issue. This is clearly about what happened between Zayn and Louis."I don't know-"

"It's okay, Lou, I get it, it's between you two. You can always call if anything happens, yeah?"

"Yeah." Louis agrees simply, not sure if he should say anything else, not knowing how to end the conversation, which, again, is fucking ridiculous.

Thankfully, Niall doesn't mention it and doesn't seem to be as confused as Louis. "Okay, lad, we'll talk, yeah? Work it out with Z. Bye."

Before Louis can say they'll talk or that he'll try or any version of _goodbye_ , Niall has hung up. Louis frowns slightly and walks back to the couch, slowly sitting down and looking at Zayn with narrowed eyes.

"You asked Niall to give you my number." It isn't a question. "Why now?"

He sounds weird even to himself, some sort of deafeted resignation is seeping into his voice and covering the undertones of a forced hostility that Louis half-heartedly struggles to maintain because the alternative, the deep feeling that's starting to shine through, that stings in his eyes and makes his heart slam against his ribcage, that reminds him of how much he _misses_ Zayn, hurts so much he can't handle it after running from it for so long and he's so exhausted he doesn't even pull away when Zayn leans forward and rests a hand on his knee.

"I wanted to apologize, Lou, I miss you."

Louis is... jealous, of all things.

He's jealous of how easily Zayn admits to missing him, how calmly, he doesn't look like he'll die at all from the vulnerability, whereas Louis is fighting with everything he has to keep the emotions inside so they don't leak out of his eyes.

"You don't get to miss me, you left." he says, trying to get angry instead of sad and hurt and what chokes up his throat is a mixture of both and it sounds wet and ugly. "You left and then acted like an arsehole, you don't get to waltz back into my life."

 _Of_ _course_ Zayn notices that Louis is close to tears -if Louis remembers correctly, Zayn has in the past been the main reason for any tears he's shed, it's expected really that he knows when the waterworks are about to make an appearance. He moves closer, making to slide an arm around Louis like he has _any right,_ and Louis tries to shove him away, pushing at his hands, but it's weak, _he's_ weak, and Zayn manages to wrap his arms around him and press him close to his chest and Louis gives up the fight.

Zayn smells like Louis' shampoo and soap and clothes but under all that honey and peach there is a smell that is so distinctly _Zayn_ and Louis was honestly sure he'd forgotten that smell but now it hits him strongly and he cries harder into Zayn.

He hates Zayn's hands running up and down his back, he hates Zayn's whispers in his hair like he's the one who needs soothing, like Zayn wasn't in a similar position last night, he hates feeling vulnerable, he hates _Zayn_ and how much he'd loved him and he says as much, soft _I hate you_ 's falling from his lips in time with the light punches he's landing on Zayn's thighs and he _hates_ the equally soft _I know_ 's he gets in return and the sincerity they carry.

He spent more than two whole years trying to stay angry at Zayn and never allowing himself to be sad over losing one of the people closest to him. And now it was all coming back, all the feelings of emptiness, of loneliness, of _incompetence_ when Zayn left, that crushing feeling that everything was Louis' fault during their last fight. Since he didn't feel he could blame Zayn for everything, he blamed himself.

And the pain turned even sharper every time Louis would happen to hear one of Zayn's songs and he'd fucking _recognize_ some parts.

_Zayn was smiling into the kiss as he fiddled with his zipper, giggles and chuckles bubbling up both their throats as they stumbled into the bedroom, kicking their shoes off on the way. "You wanna piss off the neighbours?" Louis mischieviously whispered into Zayn's lips, a smirk tugging at his own._

_Summer was well on its way and the days got hotter and hotter as April was coming to an end. "How would you like a walk at the beach?" Zayn asked abruptly, lifting his head off the couch to look at Louis, and even though Louis called him a "romantic sap" and threw a pillow at him he still threw on a shirt and was ready in a minute._

_It had been one of those scarce nights that Louis drew the sheets over them both and relaxed in Zayn's arms instead of rushing back to his own bunk to preserve some long-forgotten dignity or at least spare them the embarrassing morning. When he woke up, with a hand draped over him and Zayn still snoring softly next to him, he couldn't help but notice a few scribbled lines on the short ceiling and suddenly it was all too clear why Zayn never let any of the other boys get in his bunk._

Louis almost crashed his car three years later when he happened to hear that same _I'd rather be anywhere, anywhere but here_ on the radio by chance...

Zayn holds him through it, gentle hands on his back, in his hair, and keeps whispering soothing nothings to him as Louis' tears dry out and he calms down somewhat.

Heat rises to Louis' cheeks and he suddenly feels a rush of embarrassment, the annoying sense that he's acting like a child, crying like a baby.

He pulls away from Zayn like he's been burnt and Zayn lets him, save for the hand he keeps on his thigh while Louis wipes his eyes.

"Tell me about your kid." Zayn says softly and Louis feels like his eyes might flood again. "Freddie, right?"

It's so _Zayn_ , the way he just doesn't talk about how Louis just cried his eyes out on him or how they made this whole mess, the way he slips back into how they used to be, like he doesn't want to talk about it at all.

And Louis should be angry about it, he knows that, but he suddenly realizes he doesn't want to talk about it either, not right now, even though he'll demand some explanation about those messages, that's for sure.

He huffs out a laugh that's bordering on hysteric and he wipes at his eyes again, for good measure.

"Yeah, Freddie. He's two now, cute kid, looks like me. If you decide to stick around today instead of disappearing again maybe you'll get to meet him."

Louis' not trying to start a fight, it's a joke more than anything and he says it with a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth, but Zayn's ears seem to fall a little and his gaze seeks Louis'.

"I'll stay as long as you'll have me." he counters and Louis doesn't dare question the honesty that's oozing out of it, it feels wrong.

"Good." he says simply.

For a moment, no one says anything and Louis' scared it will get awkward and he doesn't know how to handle a repeatance of the Niall phonecall but thankfully Zayn clears his throat and breaks the silence.

"I heard the album." he says, like he's just mentioning it to make small talk, Zayn's always been an expert on pretending he doesn't care and making things sound effortless.

But it doesn't take a genius to know that mentioning an album released almost three years prior isn't just chatter, especially when Zayn must have avoided it like the plague, if Louis' suspicions are correct. They usually are.

"Thoughts?" Louis asks, sounding as indifferent as he can because two can play this game, them two have always played this game.

Zayn's tongue darts out to lick over his bottom lip before he starts worrying it between his teeth. "What do you expect me to say? I was flattered, it's not every day people write half an album about me." Audacious is the only word that comes to mind to describe him but Louis doesn't say anything, he knows there's more. "I could tell which parts you wrote." he adds quietly and Louis' holding his breath. " _History_ made me cry, you bastard."

Louis doesn't know if it's the good-natured accusation in Zayn's voice or the fact that he says it fast like Louis won't notice what he's said that makes him laugh but it comes easily and it's not long before Zayn joins in with those sharp chuckles of his that quickly change to the high-note laughter he's always been embarrassed about.

This all makes Louis feel like he used to all those years ago and his stomach decides to do a backflip because the light hits Zayn's jawline as he's laughing and the reminder of how beautiful and young he is and how much history they have comes to punch Louis in the face and he doesn't want to dodge the hit.

The laughter dies out and Louis notices they're sitting closer now, though he's not sure if it's him or Zayn who moved. He doesn't think he cares. This feels so much like the old times that Louis almost asks _"Wanna get high?"_ out of habit before he remembers how he gets when he's high and he'd prefer not to have sex with Zayn again just yet and not to still be high when Briana swings around.

"Hey, Zayn." Louis says instead, the remnants of his laughter still colouring his tone. Zayn looks at him and Louis' surpised to find that the smile he's wearing is in his eyes as well. It's been a while since those bambi eyes were last smiling at him from underneath those ridiculously long lashes. "I missed you, too."

He's pretty sure he doesn't imagine the wetness that gathers in those eyes, whatever Zayn may be mumbling about "laughing too hard" and "allergies".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yours truly, ilicon


	3. Chapter 3

_Louis was blinking way faster than normal but he should know better than to think that would stave off the tears._

_Zayn had collapsed on the couch a while ago, face in his hands and whispering "I can't believe this" over and over again like a mantra._

_"Zayn, please-"_

_"I can't believe this!" The betrayal in Zayn's eyes when he looked at Louis was so sharp it made him flinch and Louis could swear he heard a heart breaking and he didn't know whose it was._

_"I didn't mean-"_

_"Didn't mean to what, Louis?" Zayn stood and took a few steps towards him and he looked so aggressive Louis had to try not to step back away from him. "Didn't mean to fuck me? Didn't mean to go behind my back? Didn't mean for me to find out?!"_

_Zayn's voice got louder with every question and his eyes were watering too as he shook with anger. Louis had never seen him like this and he hated more than anything that he was in the wrong, that Zayn hated him and it was all his doing._

_Louis tried to say something, anything, but Zayn cut him off and went on. "Didn't mean to be a whore or didn't mean to be so fucking bad at it?"_

_It hurt. It hit somewhere deep because Zayn was speaking the words Louis' conscience told him every night, teaming up with that ugly voice that always made an appearance when Louis thought about what he'd done and felt like an absolute piece of gabage._

_Zayn had told him he was thinking of leaving the band one cold night they'd spent getting as high as they could and, going by past experiences and his attitude come morning, he didn't remember it after. He'd talked about many things that way, his eating problem, his sexual discoveries, his crush on Louis, and he never remembered anything once the high died out._

_Louis never told him a thing, he was fairly certain they were words Zayn wouldn't have said normally._

_But he'd let it slip in a fight, he'd let it slip to Simon that Zayn wanted to leave the band and Simon had been less than subtle about suggesting that Louis use Zayn's crush on him to make him stay._

_Louis had cornered Zayn in a bathroom and snogged him senseless. Things escalated fairly quickly after that._

_Zayn murmured "I love you" for the first time while fighting to stay awake and losing after Louis had made him cum so hard he'd screamed until his throat was raw. Louis had wished he could say it back but he couldn't and Zayn had been asleep already anyway so he figured the damage was small._

_Gradually, he grew to love the way Zayn sometimes smacked his lips when he slept, the way you could tell if his smile was genuine by how much the corners of his mouth dug into his cheeks, the way he'd stiffle his yawns because he wanted to spend more time with Louis and he knew he'd be sent to bed if Louis noticed, the way he said "I love you" as an answer to anything Louis asked and all those things that Louis seemed to be the only one seeing._

_All those things he supposed were Zayn so he himself told Zayn he loved him over tea and doughnuts -"Why do you even put up with me? Zayn had asked with frosting all over his nose- and did his best to mean it._

_And things were fine until Zayn found out, Louis didn't know how._

_"Tell me, Louis! Didn't mean to what?"_

_Now Zayn was yelling in his face and Louis' tears were falling liberally and he was faintly aware of Zayn's hands digging bruises into his forearms._

_"I didn't mean to hurt you!" he yelled back, as honest as he could be, but Zayn's grip on him only tightened and Louis held back a whimper. "I love you."_

_It wasn't like the other times he'd said it, when at least a small part of him didn't feel it but felt he had to say it, no, this time there was nothing and no one forcing him to say it, this time it was just him._

_But it was too late._

_"Yeah, I loved you, too."_

* * *

"Man, you remember that time in Spain you got so high you were trying to eat your shoe like a taco?"

Louis' been laughing for the past two hours and his cheeks are honestly starting to hurt but he tries to choke out a confirmation nonetheless, even though it's quite evident that such an experience is hard to forget.

"Same thing happened to me a few weeks ago and I was trying to eat _my_ shoe like a taco."

A young lady with a baby in a stroller walks past them and shoots them a weird look, which only makes Louis and Zayn laugh harder, making a futile attempt to hide behind their coffees so they don't look too much like clowns.

It doesn't help.

Louis hadn't even finished his suggestion to go get coffee and Zayn was nodding his head quickly and putting on his shoes. And that's how they found themselves catching up in Louis' favourite coffee shop, hoods drawn over both their heads because Louis is pretty sure he spotted a camera or two and if he's seen with Zayn the Sun will have a fucking field day.

He will admit, however, that, surprisingly, it doesn't really bother him as much as it should that the Internet must already be exploding over this.

Louis subtly suggested that they catch up with each other - _"So, what have you been up to apart from slagging me off, Zaynie?"-_ and they managed a total of ten minutes of boring talk about work and shit old acquaintances make before mutually agreeing it was beneath them, they aren't boring people.

They talked about Freddie and Eleanor and Gigi -"If it makes you feel better, Z, _I_ never had to fake with you." Louis said with a laugh and Zayn threw a biscuit at him in retaliation- and eventually ended up recalling their years in the band.

Zayn doesn't seem to be recalling them with regret or anything of the sort, just a thought of Louis'.

"Or the Mystery Machine, Lou. God, that thing was amazing, yeah?" Zayn goes on, stopping occasionally to take a sip of his coffee or momentarily wipe the enthusiasm off his face in favour of glancing around suspiciously, checking if there are people taking pictures.

_Zayn stroked a thumb over Louis' bottom lip, pushing his mouth open and leaning down to shotgun him the smoke of the blunt he had rolled earlier, soon sliding his hand on Louis' nape to bring his head closer. He broke the kiss a few moments later to ask "Backseat?" and Louis was quick to breathe out his affirmation._

Yeah, Louis remembers the Mystery Machine.

Something similar must be swimming in Zayn's head because his Adam's apple bobs as he swallows and he blushes a tad and apparently he still gets surprisingly shy when he thinks about things he definitely wasn't too shy to do. Louis likes it, it's endearing.

"Yeah, it was so well made." Louis provides, watching as Zayn's expression shifts to one of confusion becasue why would Louis say that, right? "Comfortable seats, _excellent_ sound insulation, yeah. The sleepovers we had there, y'know."

Louis can't possibly know which memory pops into Zayn's head because there are frankly too many of them but he's satisfied in knowing that at least one of them does and a smile slowly spreads on Zayn's face as he fumbles with anything in reach, habit of his when he's embarrassed.

"No idea what you did as a kid, mate, but those were not sleepovers." Zayn points out and, technically, he's right, there usually wasn't any sleep involved.

"Yeah, yeah, same difference." Louis dismisses with a wave of his hand. "Besides, that's what we _said_ we were doing, innit?"

"That's what _I_ said we were doing, you had no issue running your mouth." Zayn mumbles and right now he looks exactly like he did then, cute and embarrassed, and Louis remembers it all too well.

_"Tell me the truth." Niall said one day around a mouthful of cereal. "What do you do in that bloody car every other night?" and Zayn's casual "Sleepovers." was just as loud as Louis' equally casual "We fuck.". Niall choked on that cereal and Liam next to him seemed to choke on air. Harry's jaw was hanging open and Zayn was squirming in his chair, mumbling some sort of denial, and Louis felt good._

"If I remember correctly, Zayner, you quite liked my mouth." Louis counters and Zayn's blush deepens, which is confirmation enough.

Louis can't exactly expain it, but he feels powerful when he can see the effect he has on people, especially cute people. He always tried to make Zayn either horny or embarrassed when he felt vulnerable, it made him less insecure, like he was levelling the situation.

_It was just an offhand elusive comment and, honestly, Louis hadn't thought Zayn was smart enough to figure it out but now he was looking at him with those doe eyes and asking if the first time they fucked had been Louis' first time with a bloke like it was a big deal, like it mattered, like Louis mattered, and Louis suddenly felt naked, even though he'd been literally naked for at least an hour. "Yeah, first, and second, and I was kinda hoping you're up for the -what is it now?- fourteenth?" And he slid down Zayn's body with open-mouthed kisses, trying to make him forget about it._

Louis stopped counting after that night but now, remembering how Zayn always took his time and how his fascination with Louis never seemed to falter and how he mentioned he was still counting them once whilst cross faded, Louis has an eerie feeling that Zayn would know the exact number even now, if Louis asked.

Weird.

"I'm sure you weren't talking when I said that."

And Louis' sure he wasn't indeed. This trip down memory lane isn't quite the one he was expecting.


	4. Chapter 4

_Lost love between ex-bandmates Louis Tomlinson and Zayn Malik restored?_

_Earlier today, former One Direction members Louis Tomlinson and Zayn Malik were spotted having what seemed to be a friendly chat in a coffee shop in London, even though fans have not forgotten about a fight the singers had on twitter not that long ago. Are we to assume that..._

It's all over twitter and Instagram and the _fucking Sun_ when they go back to Louis' and Louis even saw a few tumblr posts where people recognized the hoodie Zayn's wearing as Louis' and sure enough the #zouismalikson tag is rapidly making its way to trending. Louis feels like he's twenty-two again and he's doing the walk of shame from Zayn's hotel room to his own and the security guy gives him a once-over a little too pointedly.

Zayn doesn't seem that bothered by it. Then again, he wasn't bothered by it back then either.

_"They say stuff about me and Li or you and Haz too, Lou, you don't need to panic just because the stuff about me and you is true, they don't know." Zayn said calmly and Louis had to admit he was right but he felt like he'd been caught every time some Zouis rumour would make it to his ears. "Baby, they don't know about, they don't know about us..." Zayn sang to him softly while Louis tried to relax._

This time it feels different, though, they're out for coffee and laughing and Zayn's all blushy and wearing Louis' clothes and it _really_ looks like they're dating and Louis doesn't know if it bothers him because people think that or because they're not actually dating this time.

He doesn't say anything about it as they're sitting out in the balcony, Louis stopped smoking inside when he started taking Freddie, not really saying anything. His phone buzzes.

 ** _Hazza_** _to **Niall And The Lads:** No. What happened? Saw the pics._

Louis isn't quick enough to grab it and Zayn sees the message, alternating between looking at the screen and Louis' face.

"You all still talk?" he asks and there's something in his voice Louis can't quite place, like nostalgia twinned with regret, and Louis hopes it doesn't mean what he thinks it means.

"No." he says simply, even though there's obviously the active group chat and Niall called him earlier, because it's easier than saying that he talks to Liam quite often but he hasn't really spoken to the other two at all and that Zayn is the only reason they're talking now.

Zayn doesn't question it, though his eyes betray he doesn't believe Louis before turning downwards. Louis quickly types a response and makes sure Zayn doesn't see it.

 ** _Tommo_** _to_ **_Niall And The Lads:_** _nothing, tell u l8er_

Louis really wants to set his phone aside and find something to say to wipe that look of hurt from Zayn's face but his screen lights up with another notification as soon as he puts his phone on the table.

_**Daddy Direction:** Call me._

It's private, not in the group chat, and Louis can tell it's serious because Liam never uses capital letters and he most certainly never uses punctuation, at least not right, so he stands and starts walking back inside.

"Sorry, I have to make a call." he tells Zayn. "I won't be long."

He doesn't wait around for Zayn's response, he just quickly calls Liam when he's sure Zayn can't hear him.

"Tommo, everything okay?" is the first thing Liam says when he picks up, clearly concerned. Louis doesn't say anything. "I saw in the Sun-"

"You read the fucking Sun?" Louis cuts him off to ask with disgust and the soft laugh he gets in return is soothing, familiar.

It's a half-assed attempt at deflection and he knows it but he can sense what's coming, the lecture about how Liam knows that Louis must have missed Zayn and that feelings don't just go away and that it's normal to want to forgive him but he shouldn't forget what Zayn did and said and how much those things hurt Louis and that maybe he should consider not forgiving him after all. Louis really doesn't want to hear all that stuff, even if Liam may have always been the one to help Louis at every turn.

_Louis was aggressively scribbling lines on his notebook, getting more and more frustrated when he just couldn't get them right, eventually tearing out the page and throwing it with the others on the floor. There were tears pricking at his eyes and he was holding them back pretty successfully until Liam's arms came to hug him from behind and Louis let them fall as he turned around and buried his face in Liam's neck. "I can't, Li, I can't." he sobbed and Liam held him tighter, pressing a kiss to his temple. "I know, love, I know. He left me, too."_

"Tell me what happened." Liam says gently but firmly and Louis nibbles at his bottom lip.

"He called me last night." he admits softly. "Says he's sorry. He's still here."

"Lou, you-" Liam starts but Louis cuts him off because those two words are enough to make it sound like he's talking to a child and Louis absolutely hates being spoken to like he's a child.

"I know, Liam, I know. Whatever you're about to say, I know." Before Liam can question it, Louis goes on. "I haven't forgiven him yet, I don't know if I even will, I just... I just miss him, you know."

It's one hell of a lot easier to admit it to Liam than to himself because Liam already knows, Louis and Zayn may have been together back then but Zayn left more than one broken heart behind. He left four and he took one with him.

Liam takes his time before answering and for a few moments all Louis can hear is his controlled breathing, a dog barking in the distance. Where even is he?

"I know, Tommo, just... Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Now, that doesn't leave me with a lot of things to do, does it, Payno?" Louis goes for a light tone, joking, but the exasperated _"Tommo."_ he gets in response tells him Liam is being serious and wants a serious answer. Buzzkill. "You are currently living up to your surname, Li, but sure, I won't do anything stupid."

"Thank you." Liam says softly. "Go to him, we'll talk later. Love you."

Louis feels warm.

"Love you, too." he says back and hungs up, playing back Liam's words in his head.

 _Don't do anything I wouldn't do._ What does Liam think Louis' going to do? Sure, he's impulsive and reckless and all those little adjectives his teachers always seemed to adore when speaking with his mum but he's not fucking stupid, he's not going to do any of what Liam's probably thinking until he and Zayn really talk.

Knocking on the door interrupts his thoughts and it's impatient. Briana.

Louis hurries to let her in, popping a piece of gum in his mouth on his way to erase the smell of smoke.

"Daddy!"

Briana looks tired, black circles under her eyes, and the way she hands Freddie to Louis a little too fast tells him he won't get much sleep over the weekend, Freddie can be a little minx when he's energetic. But, even as exhausted as she looks, she still notices the black boots with the loose laces that Louis would never wear by the door.

"You're not alone?" she asks in lieu of a greeting, a bit of suspicion colouring her voice.

"No, Zayn's out back." Louis replies, ignoring the look she gives him as she hands over Freddie's duffel bag.

"I told you, Louis, no other people." she says coldly. "I said the only exceptions are Liam, Harry and Niall."

"No." Louis disagrees though does his best to appear like they're not fighting, Freddie doesn't need that. "You think you said that, but you actually said the exceptions are _the rest of the band..._ " If Louis had any free hands, he'd use airquotes. "Zayn will always be part of the band."

She seems far from happy about it and Louis knows he's on thin ice but he also knows he's right, if they want to get technical. Thankfully, she doesn't say anything about it -maybe she's too tired to care, it's been known to happen- and they quickly go over schedules and shit before she presses a kiss to Freddie's forehead and leaves without so much as a glance to Louis.

Rude.

He tries not to think about it as he mumbles nonsense into Freddie's ear, making him laugh -in Louis' defense, he's heard all parents do and he doesn't think he looks ridiculous doing it. When he turns around, Zayn is looking at him from the hallway. If he heard them, he doesn't comment on it, and Louis doesn't expect him to.

"Freddie, lad, that's Zaynie over there, you remember what I've told you about him?" Louis asks in a sweet voice, almost sing-songing it, and Freddie laughs, stuttering on a _"No, daddy."_ , and Louis notices Zayn move closer hesitantly. "Of course you don't. Better that way." he says around a smile. "C'mon then, what, you scared?" he teases, this time to Zayn, and he closes the distance between them.

Zayn looks lost, gaze tearing between Freddie and Louis, and he doesn't seem to know what to do with his hands so he eventually settles one over Louis' elbow and the other on Freddie's head, which the toddler seems to particularly enjoy.

"Hey there, little laddie." Zayn says awkwardly, petting Freddie's blond head. "You look just like your dad." he adds, half to himself, sounding a bit dumbfounded. Louis can't really blame him, Freddie's the spitting image of him.

"Yeah, he does, doesn't he? What do we say when we meet someone, Freddie?" Louis asks, his tone is chastising but he cracks a smile when he sees how fascinated Zayn looks.

"'ello, Zaynie!" Freddie exclaims and crinkles appear by Zayn's eyes with the force of his smile. "Daddy, I want to play!"

And Louis knows what that means from the way Freddie's eyeing the football resting by the TV. "What do you wanna play, love?"

"Footie!" Freddie shouts, all smiles and enthusiasm, and Zayn barks out a laugh before he can hold it back.

"You've ruined the poor lad, haven't you?"

Louis just shoots a smirk in response as he lets Freddie down and watches him move clumsily towards the ball.

And suddenly they're standing too close and Zayn's hand somehow found its way back to Louis' elbow, they're staring at each other like they're playing in some ridiculous chick-flick like the ones Harry seemed to love and, just as Louis is about to make a joke about it to difuse the tension and then quickly leave, Zayn tilts Louis' chin up with two fingers and leans down.

Louis manages to dodge it at the very last second, turning his head, and Zayn's hand falls limp and he lets out a groan as he drops his head on Louis' shoulder instead.

 _"Zayn."_ Louis hisses. "My kid is _literally_ right there!"

Leaving aside that this is not Louis' sole concern, mind you, how more brazen can Zayn get? Last Louis checked, trying to kiss your ex in front of their two-year-old toddler is most definitely not okay, not to mention that said toddler is sure to ask about it if he notices and then go snitch to his mother, the little bugger.

Zayn sighs, like he's annoyed -which, _classy,_ Zayn, yeah- and lifts his head, pulling away from Louis and managing a sheepish smile. "Sorry." He doesn't sound sorry at all, though.

Louis takes it, for now, deciding that discussing the issue of boundaries in front of Freddie is not a good idea, and makes a mental note to chastise Zayn for it later, when they have privacy and when he's not so caught off guard. Zayn needs to understand that just saying and being sorry doesn't cut it, they'll have to talk about shit. Soon.

"Keep my son busy while I go put this somewhere." He gestures to the bag in his hand. "And behave." he adds as an afterthought, rolling his eyes when Zayn's lips curve to a smirk. The man has no shame.

However, Zayn does as told so Louis can't really say anything and he takes the duffel bag to Freddie's room trying not to think about the fact that Zayn still wants to kiss him. He fails.

He can understand, technically, that two years is not long enough a while to stop loving someone -and Zayn loved him, he knows as much- but it just can't sink in that he might still _want_ him. In any case, what him enough to try and kiss him while his son is in the room.

_Louis was sweaty, his fringe sticking to his forehead, and even he himself could smell the vodka and the smoke on him when he slid back into the hotel room he shared with Zayn in the very early hours. He tried not to make too much noise but Zayn woke up anyway, getting out of bed in just his boxers and wrapping his arms around Louis, pressing kisses to his lips. Louis didn't know how Zayn put up with the taste and he said as much, trying to excuse himself to the bathroom but Zayn locked his hands behind his back tightly and kept him there. "I always want to kiss you, Lou. All the time." he said._

Louis shakes his head and returns to the living room to see Zayn intentionally lose one of Freddie's uncoordinated shoots, shrugging with a smile when he sees Louis staring at him. Freddie's laugh doesn't stop even for a moment.

Louis is pretty sure the weird feeling in his stomach is not the ice cream he had after his coffee. He doesn't like the term "butterflies in his stomach", it sounds too childish, but it certainly feels like something is fluttering in there. Louis doesn't like it, it makes him feel insecure and fucking twenty-two again and he _doesn't like it_.

"You losing to my boy, Malik?" he teases playfully, hands on his hips, and Zayn's tongue shows just a little as he offers that cute, well-known smile.

"What can I say? I'm weak when it comes to Tomlinsons."

Wanker.

It's cheesy and the way he says it, with a lop-sided smile and his eyes locked on Louis', is ridiculous and it reminds Louis of other cheesy lines, exchanged quietly in the middle of an interview with a subtle kiss behind his ear or a bit more loudly in the safety of that damned Mystery Machine, lines so cheesy that Louis more than once had to resort to violence and throw pillows at Zayn's face to get him to shut his mouth.

Louis, for the life of him, can't find anything smart to say back, so he does what he's always done when he doesn't know what to say or when he's embarrassed. "Isn't it about time you left, Zaynie?"

It's a joke, he's joking, it's a fucking joke, in a joking tone but Zayn's smile fades and he slowly stands upright, a small frown on his brow, hands tugging at the hem of Louis' hoodie nervously. He looks like his cat just died.

But before Louis can rectify the situation and try to put that smile back on Zayn's face Freddie's wide eyes are looking up at him as his little hands are holding onto a few of Zayn's fingers.

"No, daddy, Zaynie stay." he says intensely and Louis knows it's meant to be serious but it's funny, all that intensity in such a baby voice. He fights not to crack a smile.

"Honey-"

"Zaynie stay!" Freddie insists loudly and Louis can sense the temper tantrum coming and he absolutely does not want that, Zayn was going to stay more anyway, until he misunderstood a fucking joke.

Zayn has never looked more uncomfortable. He has two pairs of the same blue eyes looking at him now and he swallows dryly. "Lou?" he asks, uncertainty evident in his voice.

Louis shrugs a shoulder, nodding towards Freddie. "Zaynie stay." he replies, sighing in feigned defeat.

Freddie's eyes light up. "Thanks, daddy!" he shouts and then shifts his focus to Zayn's hands, which he's still holding, and starts to trace his fingers over the ink there. Zayn squats down to give him better access.

Louis pretends he didn't see Zayn's eyes shoot up to him with recognition when that _thanks_ was more of a _fanks_. He may be responsible for that, yeah.

Louis follows and squats down next to Freddie, darting his eyes from Zayn's hands to Freddie's face. "What are you seeing, sweetheart?" Freddie mumbles something under his breath that sounds a lot like "pwetty" but Louis can't be sure. He goes with it anyway. "You think it's pretty, love? Zaynie's pretty?"

Louis shoots a glance to Zayn's face and the latter seems surprised, though his eyes are fond. He does look pretty, he's always looked pretty.

"Yes, Daddy, Zaynie pwetty." Freddie agrees absent-mindedly, still too taken with the tattoos.

Louis can see Zayn is blushing and he _knows_ it's because it's him who's calling him pretty, Zayn gets called pretty on a daily basis for the past eight years, it should be nothing new. After all, he got called _Zaddy_ on national television and only offered a confident smile in return, no blushing involved. It makes Louis reach out and run a thumb over the _love_ on Zayn's knuckles just to watch the blush spread to Zayn's neck, making its way steadily beneath his collar.

It's no secret that Louis can make Zayn blush harder than anyone.

"Aw, you hear that, Zaynie? You're 'pwetty'." Louis mocks -he doesn't have any qualms about mocking his own son- and Zayn mouths _"Shut up."_ at him discreetly, like Freddie might realize he's being mocked. Louis knows, from personal experience, that Freddie certainly can never tell he's being mocked.

The soft hum of agreement he offers is proof enough.

Things go smoothly after that, Louis sneaks to the kitchen to order what he hopes is still Zayn's favourite pizza and Zayn is good at keeping Freddie busy. Well, not 'busy' per se, more like mesmerized.

It's not long before Freddie tires himself out and falls asleep on the couch and now Louis and Zayn are alone and Louis' trying to figure out how he can tell Zayn he should maybe leave now and they can talk some other time, it's been a wild 24 hours.

Zayn seems to notice Louis shift awkwardly once or twice and he mumbles an _"It's getting late."_ as he stands from the couch just for the sake of not mentioning that he understood what Louis is about to say.

"Yeah..." Louis agrees. "We'll talk, yeah?"

It sounds wobbly, uncertain. Louis hates it, it shouldn't sound like that, it should be more assertive, he's not the one who came to apologize.

"'Course, Lou." Zayn replies as he's bent over to tie his laces, looking up just in time to see Louis bite his lip and walk to the door to see him out.

Again, it's awkward and embarrassing and _twenty two_ and Louis wants it to be over. It's so uncomfortable and it reminds Louis of the first time he smoked, the drag too long and the burn too much, it had felt like he had shoved a spoonful of ash down his throat, but he didn't cough, he didn't make a sound even as his eyes watered, he just swallowed around it and went on until it got better, because Zayn was there and Louis had lied about having done it before and he didn't want to make a fool of himself.

To this day, Louis still doesn't know if Zayn picked up on it or if he still believed him after.

"Well, this has been an... interesting day." Louis decides he should say something instead of just shoving Zayn out the door. "I'll call you." he announces after a while, figuring it's farewell enough, and Zayn nods, leaving without further ado and sliding the door shut behind him.

Louis lets out a long sigh and just then realizes how tired he actually is.


	5. Chapter 5

Louis' hand is running faster than his thoughts and he's gripping the pen so tightly it may snap in two any moment now but he's _writing_ and he hasn't felt that excitement of the words just pouring out of him in a while.

His phone rings and he doesn't even process the ringtone, he just grabs it and answers without even looking at the screen, offering a drawn out _"Yeah?"_ in greeting. He doesn't take his eyes off the paper in front of him and the lyrics are swimming in his head.

_It's been two years since I've seen your face._

_I'm tryna find some better words to say._

"Lou?"

He's not sure if he actually hears it or if he's imagining Zayn's voice at first. He's been thinking about Zayn all day, about his abrupt return into Louis' life, his apology, anything. And he's been writing about it, even if he'll later edit all those lyrics to fit some gender-neutral format that isn't so specifically _Zayn_ , he doesn't want another _"_ _Late nights, red eyes, amnesia, I need ya"_ betraying that they still write about each other.

"Yeah?" he says again, distractedly scribbling a bit more.

_Before I let this moment slip away._

"I know you said you'd call." Zayn's voice sounds a bit clipped and Louis can hear him swallow. "But it's been three days and you haven't and... I don't know, I don't know why I called."

It's a rare occurrence, Zayn being so vulnerable, and suddenly Louis regrets deciding not to call all those times he picked the phone up and unceremoniously set it back down a few moments later in the past three days. He stressed over it a few times, wondering whether it was too soon to call, if he seemed too desperate, too willing to forgive Zayn. It made him feel young and immature again, worrying about everything and anything for no reason at all.

_I'm sorry that I hurt you, darling._

_We were too young._

"Lou?" Zayn's hesitant voice makes it through the speaker when Louis doesn't say anything.

"Yeah... I'm sorry about that." He doesn't know why he apologizes, he hasn't done anything wrong, but Zayn sounds upset and it comes like second nature. "For the record, I _was_ going to call, I wasn't avoiding you." He's not sure that's true. "Did you want to... talk?"

They sound like teenagers. Louis wants to laugh.

"I guess I just wanted to know that you weren't- that you hadn't... I still don't know, Lou, I just wanted you to talk to me." He pauses for a while and Louis doesn't say anything, there's more coming. "And I want to see you. I always want to see you."

Strange confession, all things considered, but Louis will take it, Zayn sounds so insecure that Louis will take it.

"Alright..." Again, he's dragging out the vowels and watching what he says and this is starting to awfully resemble that one time in High School when a girl Louis had never seen before in his life -Sandy? Sally? something like that- decided to profess her undying love for him in front of the whole school after a play and he had to politely turn her down even though her weirdly wide blue eyes were looking up at him expectantly. "What are you doing tonight?" He doesn't want this to feel like a rejection, it's not.

"I don't have plans so... so I guess whatever you want."

Louis doesn't know why but he has the nagging feeling that Zayn would have said he doesn't have plans even if it weren't true.

Whatever he wants, now that's tricky. Primarily because Louis has absolutely no idea what he wants about anything in this whole situation. Ideally, he'd like to tell Zayn that he can't hang out today so he could stay home with his precious tea and keep writing but that's not on the table, not when Zayn is like that.

_Zayn was starting to get annoyingly jealous, scoffing at every post tagged #larry even though he purposefully sought out some of them, and Louis was slowly getting quite agitated himself, though for entirely different reasons. Quite frankly, Zayn was being a right arsehole. But Louis couldn't even be properly mad because it was painfully obvious that underneath all that bitterness laid Zayn's insecurity and Louis is a lot of things but insensitive is not one of them. So, when Zayn barked out that irritated "Well, maybe you should stop shamelessly flirting with him and the fans won't post these stupid theories, Louis!" Louis didn't snap back, he just turned off his laptop and sat down next to Zayn on the couch, snaking a hand around his middle and laying his head on Zayn's chest._

"Is your place decent?" he asks finally. "Can I come over?"

Knowing Zayn, his place is not decent and he will use whatever time Louis takes to get there to at least make it presentable. Apart from himself, Zayn is probably the messiest person Louis knows, leaving things lying left and right and justifying it with some excuse about "artistic disorder, Lou, you wouldn't understand" like Louis isn't an artist himself.

"'course you can." Zayn is quick to say, and Louis doesn't miss that he never said his place is decent. Zayn may be messy but at least he doesn't live a lie, contrary to Liam, who, as Louis never fails to remind him, thinks he is neat even though the clothes say different on his bedroom floor.

Louis waits for a few moments for Zayn to give him some kind of information regarding the time he should be there but it never comes so he figures he can show up whenever he likes.

He spares a glance at the clock. "Is six okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course." Zayn hurries to agree and Louis can hear the rustling of paper in the background. He's pretty sure Zayn is already trying to tidy up his mess, there isn't much time after all.

"Alright... So I'll see you." Louis concludes and ends the call without further ado.

It's already five so he supposes he should get ready.

Louis adamantly refuses to put much thought into what he'll wear until he's standing in front of his closet and he's already thinking about it.

In the end, he does put thought in it and he ends up ringing Zayn's doorbell only twenty minutes late, which Zayn should have expected after all this time.

When Zayn opens the door he looks out of breath and Louis doesn't know how that's the first thing he notices while Zayn's hair is a bright pink that seems to be challenging him to say something about it.

"Pink?" is the only thing he says, too baffled to move inside when Zayn steps aside to let him in, eyes stuck on the coloured strands that are bringing out Zayn's rosy cheeks in a very endearing way, if he may say so.

"Yeah, wanted a change." Zayn mumbles and shrugs in response. "You like?"

Louis does like it.

It's beautiful and cute and all those things Zayn is and Louis' heart stumbles because, apart from his cheeks, the colour also brings out the honey in Zayn's eyes and, even though Louis didn't think he could get any prettier, he suddenly is.

"What's not to like?" he says simply, belatedly remembering to step inside, though not fast enough to miss the knowing smirk that Zayn's mouth curves into.

Wanker.

The place is as messy as Louis expected. There are pieces of paper scattered around, littered with half-scribbled lyrics or messy drawings, some clothes, a book or two, Zayn's glasses thrown carelessly on an armchair, a few glasses of water and a plate on the coffee table.

Louis yelps when he flops down on the couch, pulling a discarded phone charger from under him and glaring at a laughing Zayn, resorting to the immature ways of revenge and eventually throwing it at him.

It's easy for Zayn to dodge it, even as he's grabbing his stomach in laughter.

He's still laughing weakly when he moves closer and sits down next to Louis, looking at him expectantly and Louis' glare has already made way to a smile he couldn't hold back and this time he really can't stop it before it's out of his mouth.

"Wanna get high?"

Zayn seems surprised by the question but the glint in his eyes betrays he's not at all averse to the suggestion and it's not long before he pulls a box from under a couch cushion. Yeah, Louis knows that box.

_Liam was furious. He had sat both Louis and Zayn down for a lecture and neither of them knew what it was about until he came to stand in front of them, expression stern, and they noticed the little box in his hands. The laughter that came naturally to Louis certainly didn't make the situation any better but seeing Liam so pissed was definitely something to laugh at._

Next thing Louis knows, Zayn's offering him a joint, which he ducks his head and takes between his lips, watching as Zayn grabs a lighter from the box and lights it for him.

The first drag doesn't do much for him, it never has. It's the second one that sets in deep and he leans on the backrest. Zayn's lighting his own joint and Louis watches the smoke curl around his lips before slowly making its way to the ceiling in spirals.

As Louis gets dizzier and dizzier, he's starting to act in autopilot, having been in this situation far too many times to ignore force of habit, and he leans down to blow his smoke into Zayn's face, looking into Zayn's eyes with what he thinks is a suggestive gaze, though he can't be sure.

Zayn seems to be operating on force of habit as well because he grabs Louis by the nape and crashes their lips together roughly, the taste of smoke and weed exploding in their mouths. Louis doesn't stop him this time, kissing him back as best as he can through the haze.

When Louis pulls back his breath is short and the light is too bright and he can _feel_ how dragged his movements are. He's slow to realize that Zayn's hand is still on his neck, thumb rubbing circles in his skin. He hasn't gotten high in a while.

"Are you clear-headed enough, jaan?" Zayn asks softly.

Ah, jaan. That cursed word. It's been a damn long time since Louis has heard that word though he'd be lying if he said he could ever forget either the word itself or the first time he heard it.

_Zayn and Louis were a mess of tangled limbs on the hotel bed, short breaths mingling in-between the kisses Zayn was pressing on his lips. "Love you." he muttered as he kissed a trail to Louis' neck, sucking a mark here and there. "Love you so much, jaan." And Zayn may have thought that Louis missed it in that moment but he certainly googled it later and his heart swelled every time Zayn said it, whether it was between the sheets or just casually before a show._

"D'you hear me, Lou?" Zayn asks, even more softly now, hand sliding down to settle on Louis' lower back. Louis can hear the concern in his voice. "Louis, did you hear me?"

Did he? He can't exactly remember. Something about being clear-headed.

"I can't, Z, I can't think straight." he admits softly before taking another long drag and making everything worse. He suddenly feels a million times heavier and a groan escapes him as he falls back against the cushions.

"Alright, alright." Zayn says slowly, gently taking the joint from Louis' hand. "Relax, jaan, I got you."

Again, jaan. Louis feels more light-headed every time he hears it and it's followed by a multitude of feelings that Louis is too high to process other than variations of _pain_.

Also, it's a shit move of Zayn to say it now, when Louis' defenses are down and his brain-to-mouth filter is getting weaker by the second, how is he supposed to be unaffected by it?

"I'm still jaan?" he slurs with a smile, and it takes a few moments to kick in that he shouldn't have said that out loud. Getting high with Zayn was a _bad_ idea and it's even worse that _he_ is the one who came up with it, now he can't exactly blame it on Zayn and his questionable intentions.

Louis can't really see Zayn, his eyes fluttered shut a while ago and it feels like too much effort to open them again, but he can _hear_ the expression Zayn must have, fond with a bit of hurt at the edges and regret all over it. "You never stopped being jaan." It sounds honest. "And I don't think you ever will."

Zayn whispers the last part, like he's torn between wanting Louis to hear it and wanting to hold his tongue, and Louis tries to engrave it in his memory to make sure he'll remember it when he's not high anymore but he's not sure how successful he'll be, the words are already getting tangled in his head.

"I don't think I'll ever call anyone else that." he goes on and Louis suddenly remembers Zayn has no filter either when he's high, not to mention he remembers next to nothing once it's over. "You're it for me."

And Louis doesn't know why but it hits him hard that Zayn is still in love with him, that he's _jaan_ , that Zayn won't ever have another _jaan_ and his chest feels impossibly tight.

Louis' eyes shoot open and, with a newly found energy, leans forward to kiss Zayn again, a bit too hard too fast but he's not exactly on his best game. Zayn responds immediately, parting his lips and bringing a hand to tug Louis' shirt forward, and Louis has the sudden urge to pull at his pink hair. He does it and he feels Zayn's following grunt more than he hears it as it gets lost between their mouths.

He moves closer and closer and closer until he's practically in Zayn's lap, straddling his hips, and Zayn lets him, encourages him even with a few soft pulls at his shirt. Soon, Zayn's hands find their way to Louis' hips and Louis can feel the hard line of Zayn's cock through his pants when he grinds down. He fists his own hands in Zayn's hoodie, debating whether it's too soon to try and take it off or not.

But suddenly Zayn is gently pulling him off with both hands cupping his face, even though he makes no effort to push Louis out of his lap, and concern is lacing his gaze as he traces a thumb over Louis' cheek. Louis blinks fast, Zayn's bright pink hair making it hard for him to focus.

"What're you doin'?" he asks, not understanding much other than the fact that he'd quite like to kiss Zayn some more and Zayn wants that too, right? Louis is jaan, right?

"You said you can't think straight, jaan. I don't- We shouldn't..." Zayn explains and it's totally unfair because it's not like Zayn is sober, they're both high, it's not, like, taking advantage or whatever Zayn is thinking.

Louis is pretty sure he can't exactly form full sentences at this point and he's not going to try so he simply says "Doesn't matter." and ducks his head to press another kiss to Zayn's lips and, for a moment, Zayn lets him but it's not long before he breaks it again and looks at Louis sternly.

"It matters." he says, like there's no room for objection about it. "Please, Lou, I... Don't fuck with me, you're high."

It sounds accusatory and Louis doesn't get why. How exactly is he fucking with Zayn? He can see how he'd like to _fuck with Zayn_ but that's a different story and apparently not right when he's high. Like they haven't fucked high before.

"I'm not fucking with you." Louis says in the end. "I don't-"

"Jaan." Zayn cuts him off and Louis is pretty sure he wouldn't have complied if it had been his name instead of... that. "Listen to me. Stop."

Louis supposes Zayn must have good reason to think they shouldn't do anything even as his boner is pressing against Louis' thighs, it has, after all, been ages since Louis last got high so there must be something he's not seeing.

He sighs and lets his head drop to the crook of Zayn's neck, breath ghosting over the inked skin, and Zayn's hands fly up to pet at his hair, at his back, and Louis doesn't know how his touches are so soft when he's got a stiffy that Louis can definitely feel but isn't making any move to avoid.

A few moments of listening to Zayn's slow breaths are enough for Louis to fall asleep.

* * *

When he wakes up Zayn's asleep.

It appears that Zayn has moved them both so that he's lying on the couch and Louis is sprawled out on top of him, using his chest as a pillow, and it takes effort to disentangle their legs to stand and then gather his stuff without Zayn waking up.

He has a mild headache and the embarrassment for what he did and said is starting to sink in and the only thought going through Louis' mind is that he has to get out of there before Zayn wakes up.

However, as he's trying to walk past the Shame Couch™ after blindly fishing his phone from under Zayn's legs, Zayn reaches out a hand and grabs onto Louis' thigh, looking up at him with sleep still clouding his eyes.

Honestly, fuck Zayn and his pink hair and his cute eyes that are twenty different shades of brown, _fuck him._

"Where you going, Lou?"

What can he even say? _I'm fleeing because I wanted to sleep with you and now I'm embarrassed about it_? He can't say that.

"You were high, you don't have to be embarrassed, Lou, nothing happened."

Oh. Apparently he did say that. Fuck. "Look, Zayn, I don't- I'm not-"

He's freaking out by now and it must show because Zayn jolts upright and soft _hey_ 's are falling from his lips as he grabs Louis with both hands and sits him down on the Shame Couch™ next to him. Louis doesn't put up any resistance even when Zayn reaches out to brush a few hairs out of Louis' face.

"Relax, yeah?" he says and Louis swallows. Hard. "Lou, nothing happened, okay?"

Yeah, he _knows_ nothing happened. And he also knows that he wanted something to happen and that he was acting like a child when Zayn was doing the right thing for once in his life. "I know, I know." he says quickly. "I just panicked, s'all."

Zayn chuckles softly. "Worse things have happened than you sleeping with me, jaan." When Louis doesn't say anything Zayn straightens out his expression and checks his phone screen quickly. "Look, it's almost midnight, it's late." He draws in a deep breath. "Don't go, I-I'll cook for you, we'll watch something, just... stay."

Zayn sounds close to begging now and the suggestion certainly doesn't seem that bad to Louis so he simply nods and shakes his jacket off his shoulders before tossing it over the armrest.

The smile Zayn offers in return is blinding and Louis relaxes a bit more against the backrest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yours truly, ilicon


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy! :D

It's been long enough that Louis has forgotten how spicy Zayn's food is.

It seems innocent at first, nothing weird, it looks all mild and ordinary, sweet even, something Louis' mum would make. The first bite always feeds into that narrative at first, flavourless like swedish soup. Louis has never actually eaten any kind of swedish soup but it looks flavourless enough.

But then it hits like an explosion of flavours and pure _fire_ and he failed to remember that and Zayn's laughing as Louis is sprinting to the kitchen to drink some water straight from the tap like a wild horse.

He glares when he's done, water dripping down his chin, and Zayn approaches slowly with a towel in his hands, still chuckling softly, and starts wiping at Louis' face gently.

Louis can feel himself blush, he's never been too keen on letting people take care of him, it doesn't quite sit right.

_Louis' right hand was shaking. His knuckles were bleeding and it hurt to move his fingers. He'd punched a wall. He'd punched a wall because the alternative was to punch Zayn and he wasn't that angry, he tried not to be even as Zayn stood there completely chill, like a fucking dickhead, and implied that Louis flirted with Harry on purpose to make him jealous, like Louis enjoyed his possessive ramblings all the fucking time. No one could make him angry like Zayn could, he'd even snapped at Harry, for fuck's sake, that was a new one._

_"Please, Lou, you're bleeding, let me help, please." Harry called from outside the bathroom Louis had locked himself in. He'd been begging for Louis to let him clean and bandage his hand for at least half an hour and Louis didn't know how he hadn't given up. "Please, we don't have to talk about it, just let me in." Louis felt like a child, he wanted to yell out that he didn't need any help, but the sharp pain said otherwise so he let Harry in and just sat there in silence, he didn't say a word. Harry assured him that he didn't need to._

He swats lightly at Zayn's arm and runs a hand through his hair. "Could've used a warning." He says pointedly and arches his eyebrows when Zayn huffs out another laugh. "Seriously, you tosser, I almost _died_."

"Drama queen." Zayn whispers through a smile but quickly puts his hands up in surrender when Louis narrows his eyes at him. "It's good though, innit? You like it, right?"

Leave it to Zayn to be both cocky and insecure in the same fucking sentence. "Maybe I'll be able to tell if you bring out the fire extinguisher."

The response is instant. "You're not that hot."

Louis tries not to let his jaw fall open at the audacity, as if Zayn's boner wasn't pressing against him, like, a few hours ago. "The sheer disrespect." he says, shaking his head in mock disappointment as Zayn's biting his bottom lip to keep from laughing again. "That's it, Malik, I'm leaving." And he turns on his heel.

Now, he wasn't really going to leave and he's pretty sure Zayn knows that too but that doesn't stop him from hooking an arm around Louis' middle and pulling him back as easily as he would have handled a child. Louis can't be that light.

But apparently he is that light because Zayn doesn't have any trouble at all yanking him back single-handedly until Louis' back is pressed against his chest even as Louis indignantly struggles. Zayn's lips brush against his neck. "No, you're not."

Louis is pretty sure he likes flustered and embarrassed Zayn more than this one. This one is making _him_ flustered and embarrassed. Once Zayn gets the slightest bit of reassurance he turns into this cocky version of himself that seems to be quite keen on making Louis blush.

At least he knows Zayn can't see his face right now so his words carry more confidence than he has. "I'm not staying if you're going to lie."

Zayn's laugh is a deep rumble close to his ear. "Alright. If you can break free you can leave."

_"How are you so small?" Zayn sounded fascinated despite Louis' protests even though he wasn't that much bigger himself. He'd pinned Louis down to the bed by the wrists and, though he wasn't really complaining about that, Zayn was starting to delve into some territory Louis wasn't familiar with. The way Zayn's fingers were tightening and untightening around Louis' wrists, the soft things he was whispering into Louis' skin about "so fucking tiny", the way he was looking at him, Louis was not used to this. "I love you, I love you, I love you." This he was used to._

Hindsight being what it is, Zayn may have always had a bit of a size kink, though from what Louis has gathered it is more strength than size, it has more to do with fragility than petiteness. After all, Zayn isn't big and burly either.

However, Louis decides to indulge him, if that's what gets him hot and bothered. He brings his hands up to pull at Zayn's arm, which is still holding him tight on Zayn, but before he knows it, Zayn's other hand comes to grab him and now everything's the same except for the fact that one of his hands is twisted behind his back, trapped between their bodies.

Zayn's just holding him there, he's not forceful enough for it to hurt and he's not going to be, Zayn would never, so this really won't be fun. "Hasn't this fed into your obsession enough?" he taunts, feeling Zayn's breath stutter. "Besides, we haven't even had sex again yet and you're already busting out them kinks?"

Because, if there's one thing apart from the supposed size difference that gets Zayn going, it's Louis fighting back.

Louis can feel Zayn's breathing get heavier and the hold around him loosen so he takes the opportunity and spins in the arms around him, bringing a hand to grab at Zayn's crotch abruptly, finding exactly what he expected to find.

Zayn apparently wasn't expecting that though and the surprise is clear in his wide eyes and raised eyebrows. "Yeah, I thought so." Louis says through a smirk and watches as Zayn's hands fall limp at his sides. "Now, can we go watch some more Brooklyn 99 and eat the _blazing_ food you made or do you have to go take care of that first? Though I make no promises about still being here when you get back."

If Zayn wants some hands-on flirting, that is exactly what Louis is going to give him.

Zayn clears his throat once, twice, but his voice still sounds coarse when he speaks. "Yeah... Yeah, we can."

Louis counts it as a win.

* * *

It's unexpectedly pleasant, staying up all night and watching Netflix together, even if it's probably not the Netflix and chilling Zayn had been hoping for.

Before he knew it, things between them got breezy and they were laughing and quoting silly stuff at eachother again -"Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool." Louis struggled to say when Zayn heavily implied he'd like to fuck him six ways to Sunday and Zayn had followed with a "No doubt, no doubt, no doubt." in-between his chuckles. Things were good.

Soon, too soon, Zayn's glasses on the armchair start glinting with the first hints of sunlight making it through the curtained window and Louis' initial thought is that he doesn't want to leave yet and then he realizes he doesn't have to, not if Zayn doesn't want him to and Zayn definitely doesn't want him to.

He supposes he should mention it, for etiquette's sake. "It's morning, I guess. You want me to go?" He found out long ago that blunt is the best approach with Zayn.

_"You said you were cold!" Zayn exclaimed defensively after dropping two blankets at Louis' feet on the bed and being met with an exasperated laugh. "I was implying I wanted you to get in with me!" Louis explained, not for the first time considering the possibility of Zayn having some sort of communication issue. Zayn was never particularly good at reading between the lines, even when the letters were pretty big._

"No." Zayn replies quickly, as though the implication that he might has somehow offended him. "No, I don't want you to go. I don't- Unless... Unless you want to go."

And... there's the insecurity again. Louis is pretty sure he'll go crazy at this rate. "I don't want to leave, no." he says, as blunt as he can be.

Relief washes over Zayn's face and the tension Louis had subconsciously noted disappears from his shoulders as he breathes out and his hands loosen around his sweatpants.

Again, fluttering in his stomach and this time there's no ice cream to blame it on, so the food he and Zayn had hours ago will have to take responsibility. He clutches the blanket that is wrapped around him tigher, like the imaginary movement in his stomach might be visible.

"Then stay." Zayn says finally, like it's simple, like Louis can always stay if he doesn't want to go, like Louis can do whatever the fuck he wants.

He doesn't say anything back, he just leans over to reach for the remote to press 'Next Episode' before sitting back down on the couch and bringing his legs up, hugging his knees and curling around himself with an elbow on the arm rest. He feels like he'll move closer to Zayn involuntarily if he's not constantly aware of his position.

They don't talk for a while, just watching in silence, and soon Louis realizes he shouldn't have worried because Zayn shuffles closer on his own until their arms are brushing against each other, though he never takes his eyes off the screen.

Louis doesn't know what to make of it. He keeps watching.

They watch for what feels like hours -though the clock on the wall begs to differ, rudely suggesting it's only been forty minutes- and, finally, Zayn whispers a tiny _"_ _I still love you"_ in a voice so small and quiet Louis wouldn't have heard it if it were any more faint.

Louis honestly has no idea what to say.

He knows, he knows Zayn still loves him, the jaan thing made it pretty obvious, but he doesn't know if _he_ still loves Zayn. He definitely still feels _things_ but he honestly doesn't know if he can call it love.

He's still angry at Zayn for all the shit he did and he's still sorry for what he did himself. He can't just blurt out he loves Zayn too without talking about all that stuff, however uncomfortable that is going to be.

"Zayn, I..." He leans forward and pauses the episode. He's still not looking at Zayn. "I think we need to talk."

It comes out wrong, like Louis is judging him or like he's talking to a child, but there's nothing he can do now, he's already said it.

Louis looks at Zayn just in time to see him swallow nervously and nod his head. He looks scared and it's quite obvious he's waiting for Louis to say something.

"I know what I did was horrible, I know it was wrong." Louis can feel his voice cracking with emotion and if that's happening on the first sentence he doesn't want to imagine the rest. "I thought I didn't have a choice. I thought that if I could give you... that, you'd stay."

It sounds so much worse out loud, he's never really said it before. Zayn's words from back then pop up in his head again. Gods, he really did become a whore for this damned band.

Zayn sets his jaw and he looks angry as his eyes keep darting anywhere but Louis' face. "You should have known, Lou. You should have known I'd never want that, I'd never want you to do that." he says sadly.

Louis can't find a nice way to say that he knew that but he was sure Zayn would never find out so he didn't care. He knew from the start that fucking Zayn to keep him -no need to be shy about it now, he did it after all- was wrong on more levels than he could count but as long as Zayn didn't know anything, as long as Zayn was happy and didn't want to leave the band, Louis didn't care.

He doesn't say anything. So much for being honest.

"Can you imagine how I felt when Simon told me?" Zayn goes on. Louis clenches his fists at the mention of Simon. _Fucking wanker._ "He just threw it in my face and my mind went blank. At first I thought he was messing with me, that bastard, so I came to you."

Louis remembers it all too well. How Zayn asked him, his voice was shaky but his eyes were glistening with the last shimmer of hope that Louis would tell him it was a lie, that he hadn't manipulated him that way. Louis is sure Zayn would have believed him if he'd lied but even he isn't that shameless. He'd lowered his head and mumbled an apology, there was nothing else he could do.

"You didn't deny it, Lou." Zayn's voice sounds wet, too, he may already be crying. "I wanted you to deny it so badly and you stood there and apologized and it hit me like a fucking brick that all the time we were together _you didn't want me_. You were with me just so I wouldn't leave and you know what the funniest part was in this whole fucking situation? I wouldn't have left."

Louis' head shoots upwards and he finds Zayn looking straight at him, tears rolling down his cheeks, as an angry laugh bordering on hysteric leaves his lips. "W-What?" he manages.

"I wouldn't have fucking left! I was high when I said that. Sure, I wanted to but I wanted _you_ more, so I wouldn't have fucking left!" It's like the words are being ripped from his throat, hoarse and raw, and Louis is holding back his own tears. He feels like he can't breathe. "It's what made me leave, in the end, finding that out about you."

Louis has never felt more of a screw-up in his entire life.

There he was, pretending to have suddenly fallen in love with one of his best friends, trying to keep together a band he thought was about to fall apart, following orders from a man he thought to be his mentor, lying left and right to everyone to try to fix everything, and now Zayn is telling him that, not only was it all for nothing, it actually made everything worse.

Zayn's words, again. _Didn't mean to be a whore or didn't mean to be so fucking bad at it?_ So fucking bad at it...

"Please, Zayn, you have to believe me, I didn't mean to hurt you." It's all he can think to say, it's what he said back then, too. "I never wanted you to find out, you weren't supposed to-"

"And then what, Louis?" Zayn asks desperately. "You would have pretended to be in a relationship with me until I fucked up big enough for you to use it as an excuse to break up?"

Louis feels sick. He feels sick because he wouldn't have even done that. If he hadn't actually fallen for Zayn, he would have pretended indefinitely, as long as it took to keep him with them, he never would have told him.

"I loved you, you _know_ that, Zayn, please! After a certain point I wasn't pretending!" Even Louis can see how bad that sounds, though only after he's said it.

" _After a certain fucking point,_ do you hear yourself? It was _sick_ , do you realize how I felt?" And Louis is sure he doesn't. "On top of feeling like a fool for believing I could ever have you, I felt like a fucking rapist!"

And, wow, Louis never thought about that. He never stopped to think that Zayn must be feeling like that, like Louis was forced into something and Zayn _enoyed_ it. He never thought about that because he doesn't really feel like that's what happened.

Sure, he slept with Zayn for reasons other than wanting him but it was nothing close to what Zayn is talking about, it wasn't like that.

Was it?

No, Louis wasn't a victim.

Was he?

"I couldn't stop thinking..." Zayn goes on, seemingly oblivious to Louis' inner freak-out. "...about everything I said, everything I did. Every time I kissed you, every time I told you I loved you, every time you _said it back_ , every time we had sex, the realization that all those times you were waiting for it to end, _fucking pretending_ , man, how was I supposed to deal with that?"

Louis can't find the words to say that he shouldn't have had to deal with it. He never thought that _of course_ Zayn wouldn't believe that he really loved him somewhere in that whole mess. To Zayn, it was all a fucking lie.

"It wasn't all pretending, Zayn, I really loved you, yeah? I didn't- I wasn't- I never said I loved you when I didn't mean it, come on, please, it was what it was at first but then it changed, you know it wasn't all a lie." He's desperate and it shows, he wants to convince Zayn so much that he really fell in love with him.

"Did it really change, though, Lou? Did you fall in love with me or is that what you told yourself to make the best out of a bad situation?"

And... what?

It sounds so fitting that, for a moment, Louis freezes and considers it, it's twisted enough to actually be true.

Could he have actually lied to himself along with everyone else and convinced himself he fell in love with Zayn so he wouldn't feel like a victim? Was he actually broken enough for it to work?

But then he remembers all the times he watched Zayn sleep or sung to him or tried to teach him how to play the piano and kissed him every time he got it right and there was nothing but love on his mind. He wasn't waiting for it to end, he wasn't thinking of that fucker Simon and what he expected of him, he wasn't thinking about what Zayn wanted and, _Jesus_ , how to please him so he'd stay.

He was only thinking about how much he loved him.

Louis loved him and Zayn has it wrong, it has to be.

"I did fall in love with you." Louis finally says with determination he didn't know he has. "It wasn't when you did, it was months after we got together, but I did. And even when I wasn't, I never felt like I was being _forced_ , Zayn, _God_ , it wasn't like that, I never saw you as... that." He's pathetic, he can't even say it. How can he convince Zayn if he's questioning himself, too?

"How can I believe that, Lou, tell me how!" Zayn yells and it sounds too loud in the stillness of the morning. "I was so hurt and angry and I wanted to hurt you for hurting me but, _fuck_ , hurting _you_ was even more painful!" He draws in a trembling breath that catches in his throat and then he just sounds defeated. "I loved you _so much_ and to find out it was a fucking lie broke me, jaan, it broke me." Louis can't hold back a sob because Zayn still calls him jaan in the middle of everything and nothing he's said or done hurts more than that. "You broke my fucking heart, Lou, but I never stopped loving you, never, I couldn't."

And whatever Louis says he never stopped loving Zayn either.

He sees it now, he never stopped, he just shoved it in the back of his mind so it wouldn't hurt anymore but it was always there. He still loves Zayn, too, it was too strong to fade in such a short while.

"I didn't either." he says suddenly and Zayn's eyes widen before leaking more tears. Louis doesn't know how to make him believe it. "I still love you, too, Zayn, it hurts me, too. _You_ hurt me, too, all the shit you said, calling me a whore, saying you never loved me in those fucking messages, that you were just fucking around. God, I knew it wasn't true, shit attempt to come out on top, but it still fucking hurt."

It did hurt.

Zayn was obviously pissed at him and was being immature, trying to play it out like he wasn't hurt, calling Louis names and saying he never even cared when it was obvious that nothing was further from the truth. Louis never responded but he read them all and he heard all the voice clips and he cried even though he knew Zayn loved him more than anything because Zayn was saying that stuff to hurt him, and the pure rage and hatred in his voice made Louis' heart drop to his stomach.

"And I can't say how sorry I am for that but, Louis-"

"I did what I did to keep you with me, you did what you did to hurt me, that's the fucking difference!"

It comes out harsher than he intended but still not harsh enough to express how deeply that hurt him. It's the first time he's even acknowledged it, Louis feels as though the words punch up his throat of their own accord.

With the way Zayn looks when he hears it, Louis may as well have slapped him in the face. His bottom lip is quivering, glistening with the tears that rolled down his face and keep rolling, and his jaw drops slightly. Louis doesn't feel bad.

"I did what I did because you hurt me, jaan, and I'm sorry." It sounds genuine enough but, still, Louis doesn't get it. Zayn hurt him too and he didn't rush off to return the favour. "I was in pain, I had to cope."

"I was in pain, too, you tosser!" Louis shouts exasperatedly, gesticulating wildly. It's like he can't express shit, like he can't get it out. "And, surprisingly, the solution I found for it was _not_ to be a _fucking prick!_ I haven't even done anything the past two years, why did you call _now?_ "

He's been wondering since he picked the damn phone up, why now? Why would Zayn grow a conscience now? That cryptic _"I missed you"_ didn't explain shit and Louis wants, _needs,_ some kind of reason.

"You don't-"

"Why now, Zayn?"

"Please, I'm not-"

"Just fucking tell me why!"

"I couldn't take it anymore!" Zayn yells, louder than Louis' ever heard him. "It's simple, Lou, I just couldn't. I didn't suddenly realize I was a dick, I didn't spontaneously decide to apologize, I just couldn't pretend to be angry at you anymore. I should have done it sooner."

He drops his head after that, like _that_ was the bottom line of the conversation.

Louis doesn't know what exactly he expected but this wasn't it. He was fairly certain Zayn would have a reason, maybe something that reminded him of what had happened, maybe a song or something, at least _something._

It never crossed his mind that Zayn was actually torturing himself with this constantly and now finally came the breaking point.

He feels like an idiot. He feels like an idiot, arguing and shouting over stuff they've been beating themselves up about all this time, they _are_ idiots.

"Listen to me very carefully..." he says as the exhaustion starts to settle in. It's barely more than a whisper. "We both did stuff we shouldn't have, we're both sorry. I'll believe you if you believe me, too, like, we have to trust each other. You have to trust me when I say it wasn't like you're thinking when we were together. I know I lied but you know why I did it." He sucks in a long breath, more stalling than anything. "You're not the only one who can't take it anymore." he adds carefully, afraid he might trigger some other emotional yell out of Zayn, though the quick nods Zayn is giving him say otherwise. "Can we do that? Can we trust each other and try to fix this mess?"

If the tight hug Zayn pulled him into is anything to go by, he obviously thinks they can. Louis really hopes so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yours truly, ilicon


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, I was on vacation so writing wasn't exactly my top priority, not to mention I'll soon be in the process of moving, so chapters won't really be frequent.  
> Anyway, enjoy! :D

When sixteen-year-old Liam's voice singing the most hostile version of _Cry Me A River_ Louis has ever heard comes exploding from his phone Zayn bursts out laughing right next to his ear and Louis might have gone deaf but his own laughter is just as loud.

He tries to stop laughing in order to answer but Zayn doesn't seem able to, fit after fit of laughter bubbling up his throat as his head tips back, and Louis ends up managing a colourful greeting into the speaker.

"Well, someone's happy." Liam notes and Louis can hear his smile. "Are you with him?" he asks.

"Yeah, why?" Louis responds, bringing a finger to his lips to shush Zayn as he still chuckles, trying to hold it back with a hand over his mouth.

"Thought you might be." Liam says and Louis doesn't understand why, though he doesn't bother asking. It's not the first time Liam has read him like an open book. "Look, I have an idea, but I don't know if it's a good one."

Louis' laughter dies down pretty quickly at that.

Liam always has ideas, that's not the scary part, but it's not often that he doesn't know how wise they are. As long as he's known Liam, he's always known whether what he was about to suggest was smart or not.

_"Hey, you wanna go to that record store we passed by earlier?" Liam asked nonchalantly and, while Louis and Zayn immediately agreed and even started putting on their shoes, Harry voiced his concerns about escaping security, reminding them pointedly that slipping past Paul wasn't something Liam did often. "Yeah, I know it's not that smart." Liam reassured. "But I heard they have all_ Boyz || Men _albums on vinyl and Zayn has converted me, I want them."_

_In the end, it really wasn't that smart because they ended up being chased by groupies in the streets of New York City but Liam later argued that he was well aware of the risks and he still didn't regret it as he put the vinyl in the record player, clothes still drenched from the rain and hair sticking to his forehead._

"Hit me, Payno, what is it?" Louis said warily.

Liam cleared his throat and it sounded unnecessary, he was probably still debating whether to say what he wanted or not, but Louis is not one to judge. "I rang the boys, they're both in London." Well, that's never a good idea, what kind of bullshit is Liam doing after all this time? "I thought maybe we could grab a pint together?" he says it hopefully, like he really wants Louis to want that too and Louis doesn't know why that's so scandalous until... "With Zayn, too, I mean."

And, yeah, that is a whole other suggestion.

Louis jumps on his feet like he's been burnt and starts walking to Zayn's kitchen, absurdly scared that Zayn may hear what Liam's telling him, completely ignoring Zayn's confusion as he watches him go. He can deal with that later, he can find some believable lie, he once pretended to have fallen in love with him and Zayn believed it.

Yeah... Maybe that was a bit too soon.

"Lou?" Liam prompts on the other end of the line and Louis tries to concentrate.

He just _knows_ it's going to be a fucking disaster, and he's going to be right in the middle of it.

_He_ will have to ask Zayn if he's interested and if he says no _he_ will have to tell the boys that _"sorry, lads, Zayn still wants nothing to do with us"_. Yeah? No.

And if he says yes... Gods, if he says yes.

If Zayn says yes there is no way to know how that is going to play out. Will they be awkward, will there be tension, will there be passive aggression? If literally _anything_ goes wrong it will be Louis who is at fault because now _he_ is the one bringing all of them together.

He's too busy panicking about all the ways this dreaded meeting could go wrong to realize that he hasn't said antyhing in a while and Liam is calling his name worriedly.

"I'm here, I'm here." he says weakly.

Liam sighs. "Lou, love, it's just a suggestion." he reassures softly, like Louis is _scared_ or something. "But me and the boys would love to see him again since you two sorted your shit out from what I gather. You don't have to tell him antyhing if you don't want to."

But the thing is, despite everything that could make this a catastrophy, Louis fucking wants to.

He wants to because he misses Harry and Niall, too, and he misses the way things were when they were all best friends and shit, back before he and Zayn got together.

"I don't know, Li..." When did his voice get so small? "I'll think about it." he says finally, he doesn't want to make any promises. "I'll text you later, yeah?"

"Anything you want. No pressure, it's alright if you don't want to, the lads know how it is."

Liam is a blessing, honestly, Louis regrets being such a brat when they were younger.

"Alright. I'll let you know. Love you, bye." Louis hurries to end the conversation when Zayn finally walks into the kitchen, brows furrowed, eyes still red. He barely hears Liam say he loves him before he hangs up.

"Everything alright?" Zayn asks cautiously and leans on the table. "Figured that was Liam." The hint of a smile that Louis doesn't return tugs at his lips again.

Louis is so nervous he's picking at the corners of his phonecase, scratching little lines into the ink. "Yeah, it was. All good, no need to worry." he tries to say but it sounds so unconvincing it's ridiculous.

Zayn doesn't believe him, that much is obvious in the way his eyebrows arch slightly towards the pink strands hanging on his forehead and his fingers tap against the table softly. Louis doesn't know if he wants him to ask or not.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." he says. Louis knows that. "But it's pretty clear that call was about me."

Louis has never felt more embarrassed in his life, except maybe for when he made a fool of himself singing _Hey There Delilah_ with the voice of an eleven-year-old girl with the remnants of a cold on national television. Meh, that performance got him the boys, he has no regrets.

But he feels embarrassed now, like a child that got caught, and he feels his cheeks flush with it. Hindsight being what it is, it was pretty clear.

"You're right, it was." he confirms, deciding that he should just tell the truth, he was preaching trust and honesty not twenty minutes ago. "So the thing is-"

"Ah. The fabled _thing_." Zayn says through a smile and Louis has to admit it's pretty funny, the way he says it.

"Shut up." he says, not unkindly. "I was wondering- actually, Liam was- you know what, we all were, but, y'know, by all, I mean-"

"Just spit it out, jaan." Zayn encourages fondly.

"D'you wanna grab a drink with me and the lads sometime?" he blurts out while he still can, before he gets too nervous for words. Zayn's smile falls and Louis hurries to say something, anything, to fix the situation even though he has no idea what's wrong. "You can say no, obviously, no one expects you to, like, be excited or whatever, but Liam spoke with Haz and Ni and they said they want to so he called-"

"Do you?" Zayn cuts him off abruptly, caramel eyes sharp on his own. Louis swallows dryly for no reason other than to buy some time to think his answer through. "Do _you_ want to?"

"I want to if you want to." Which is such a non-answer, really, but it says enough.

"Then I'll go."

He just says it. Just like that. Like he didn't spare a single second to think about it, like it's so easy to do it since Louis wants to.

Louis should have expected it, Zayn always let him manipulate him into things he didn't want to do using methods of questionable morality but it was never quite this easy.

"Are you sure, though? Like, I get how awkward it could get..." Maybe he's trying to make sure Zayn doesn't regret it, maybe he's trying to change Zayn's mind because he himself is already regretting it, he doesn't know.

Zayn simply sighs with a smile. "It'll be fine. I'll go. Set it up and give me a time and place, I'll be there."

Louis loves him a lot sometimes.

* * *

Zayn is already forty-five minutes late and Harry is insisting that they never should have believed him in the first place despite Louis' repeated guarantees that he himself doesn't quite buy.

Zayn runs from things like that, which makes two of them.

"If he were going to come, he'd be here by now." Harry points out in that low timbre of his, drawing the words out as he presses them to the rim of the glass at his lips. "I don't know what he told you-"

"I _told_ you what he told me, _Harold_." Louis snaps back, fingers fumbling with his beer bottle. "He'll be here." he insists weakly.

Truth be told, he doesn't really believe Zayn will come. If he planned on coming he'd already be here or he'd at least send a text to tell them he'd be late, to make sure they'd still be here if he came, _anything_.

He checks his phone. Nothing.

He can hear Harry tap his foot on the floor impatiently, angrily, and there's nothing he can really do because Harry is in the right, he's mad and bitter at Zayn and he's in the right. The sound pricks in his ears, though, loud and annoying.

Niall hasn't really said anything, though he opened his mouth and took a breath like he would once or twice, and he's just silently sipping on a beer, looking between Louis and Harry like he wants to say a lot but none of it will help in the slightest.

Liam has kept his mouth shut tightly the whole time, his lips a thin line as a bumpy, sympathetic smile rests on them, and he's kept a warm, large hand on Louis' shoulder for so long that Louis can feel himself sweat under the fabric of his shirt.

Louis feels like shit, he feels like a fool. He's happy to see the lads again, at the very least.

And then the door swings open and his head snaps towards it with the sound.

Zayn walks in, steps quick and heavy, and he looks rushed, pink strands sticking to his forehead with the rainwater, his coat is wet at the shoulders, his breath comes out in fast, small gusts and his chest moves rhythmically as he struggles to draw in air. He looks like he was running.

"I'm really sorry I'm late." he says immediately, eyes darting between the four of them. "Got ambushed on the way." he explains simply.

And Louis is happy he came after all, he's so _happy_ , but the only thing he can do is slam a hand on the table triumphantly and yell out "Told you, Haz!" when he sees Harry's dumbfounded expression, eyes disbelieving and jaw slack.

And Niall's thundering laughter spreads through the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yours truly, ilicon


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're all doing well during this whole pandemic, I hope you're staying safe, and that maybe new uploads bring you a bit of joy :) Enjoy! :D

_Louis had been fine, really, honestly. For about two weeks. It wasn't much but it was his new record, so. He'd been fine._

_And then Harry just had to go and write that stupid "And if you like going places we can't even pronounce" and the other stupid lines surrounding it and show it to Louis like it wouldn't bring Zayn to mind, like that 'Malabami' thing wasn't mentioned enough, like he wouldn't cry._

_He cried the whole time they were writing that stupid song._

_"It doesn't have to be about him, you know." Harry said carefully in that lulling tone. "It isn't." he added, sternly, firmly._

_It didn't make a difference._

_"It is, though, innit?" Louis snapped back, trying not to cry again, this was seriously ruining his image, crying all the time like a baby. "It is, that's the problem. That's the fucking problem." he muttered, more to himself than Harry, he didn't know what for._

_Harry's eyebrows were furrowed underneath his curls, looking at Louis like he couldn't understand him and his outbursts, because he couldn't. He wasn't the one in a relationship with Zayn, he wasn't the one who literally became a fucking whore to keep Zayn in the band only to see him leave regardless._

_Louis never expected him to understand. He just wanted him to be more sensible, writing that song was by no means a good idea given Louis' situation. Though, considering that everything reminded him of Zayn, Harry couldn't have known._

_"Oh, Louis." Harry brought a hand to pet at Louis' hair, to brush the strands out of his eyes where Louis' head was held low to hide his tears, to trace a thumb over his wet cheek. "I thought you were getting better." he said, which was entirely unhelpful, this wasn't what Louis wanted, needed, him to say._

_Liam could really teach this boy how to console someone, he had enough experience, Louis preferred to go to Liam for things like that._

_"Yeah, I thought so, too." he whispered bitterly, mad at Harry, mad at Zayn, but mad at himself most of all. "I just think about him all the time." he confessed into Harry's shirt as he was pulled into a hug, wrapping his arms around Harry's middle._

_"That's normal, love." Harry said reassuringly into Louis' hair. He pressed a kiss on the top of his head and Louis found himself smiling involuntarily. "You'll forget him." It was said will all the ease of a man who had no idea what he was talking about._

_Louis didn't think he was going to ever forget Zayn, not completely, he was pretty sure he'd always feel his chest tighten at the memory and his throat would always feel dry when he choked up the name, but he could forget him for a while._

_And if Harry could help with that, it was what it was._

_So, he stood on his toes and smacked a kiss to Harry's lips, bringing his hands up to toy with Harry's hair. Harry kissed him back._

* * *

Louis was hoping the fling he had with Harry for a little less than two months back in the day was long forgotten. Apparently, he was wrong, and now Zayn is looking at Harry with the eyes of a murderer underneath those stupidly long lashes as smoke curls around his lips before spiraling into the air.

He really shouldn't smoke inside, but who is Louis to judge, his own cigarette sits between his fingers and the shop owner said they could.

Louis himself is squinting his eyes at everyone at the table, trying to figure out which of the little shits thought that telling Zayn about him and Harry was a good idea because it certainly wasn't him. Stellar plan, truly, especially since the wanker who did apparently didn't think to mention that the relationship -Louis cringes at the thought, he really thought they'd put this past them, he and Harry never talk about that anymore- ended as unceremoniously as it started shortly after, it really was nothing.

Louis wanted to take his mind off everything and Harry was willing, that was all, nothing more to it, it didn't even last that long.

"You and Lou weren't together." Harry tells Zayn harshly, deep timbre turned sharp. "Hell, you _left_. We don't have to explain ourselves." he says dismissively, taking a sip of the colourful drink in his hand, which admittedly takes the edge out of his words.

Louis can tell there's about to be some stupid fight, Zayn is practically growling, and he doesn't want that, not the first time they're all together after all this time. When did he become the rational one? Liam is slipping.

"Guys, can we stop talking about this?" he asks loudly and all heads turn to him. "It was short, it was nothing. We're past it."

He can't decipher the look Harry is giving him, his green eyes are cryptic, if he's trying to tell him something, Louis isn't getting it.

"But, jaan-"

"No buts." he cuts him off abruptly, partly in an attempt to erase the _jaan_ that everyone heard regardless. _"Nothing."_ he emphasizes, and he never thought he'd have to clarify that his fling with one of his best friends was really just that, a fling. "Change the subject. Now." Some of the shame he secretly feels seeps into his voice, he doesn't like his relationships being discussed, it makes him feel like he's under inspection, it makes him feel embarrassed.

"Louis, a word?" Harry suddenly asks and _what is he thinking?_ It totally looks like they've got some secret thing going on, it sounds so shady, Harry is definitely not helping right now.

Still, Louis can't just tell him no, Harry might say what he wants to tell Louis in front of anyone, the boy has no shame, and that is definitely worse, who knows what he has in mind?

He mumbles a "Sure" as he stubs out his fag in the ashtray, knuckles brushing over Zayn's where he has his own hand resting above it, and gets out of his seat, trying to ignore Zayn's honey eyes darting quickly between the two of them like he might be able to understand what they're going to say. Louis is secretly scared he will be but he's even more scared he'll understand something else entirely, something that isn't true, something that will be trouble.

He follows Harry to the restroom, weird choice of scenery but it will do, and suspiciously checks the stalls, he doesn't want any staff overhearing, tumblr has enough already.

Harry leans against a sink, his eyes looking downwards guiltily, and Louis feels dread settle inside him, Harry being guilty means he did something stupid, and nothing good ever comes out of that, he can't even begin to imagine what kind of shit Harry's big mouth has landed them in.

"Well, speak!" Louis says, throwing his hands up in frustration. "For fuck's sake..." he mutters when Harry stays silent, what's the point of this? "Speak, dammit, what do you want?"

"I told him." Harry blurts out abruptly, never once taking his eyes off the floor tiles. Louis groans loudly and brings a hand to rub at his forehead, Harry is such an idiot.

"Why, you _tosser_?" he asks tiredly.

"He hurt you, I was mad at him." Harry explains, though he has the decency to look ashamed about it. Fucking wanker. "I wanted to make him feel bad, I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry, Lou."

And that just makes everything worse.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Louis demands, taking his eyes off Harry for just a second to check himself out in a mirror. His cheeks are a little red but he expected worse.

"You were sad, I didn't want to make it worse." Stupid. "Then I just forgot." How do you fucking forget something like that? "I didn't think it would be a problem, please, I'm sorry."

It pisses him off, that Harry would use what they had to piss Zayn off, like Louis is a _possession_ or something, it makes him feel slightly objectified, but he knows Harry well, too well, and he knows that's not what Harry thinks, that's not what he meant when he did it, the boy couldn't think of Louis like that even if he tried.

At least the apology sounds honest enough.

And Louis has grown and matured enough to recognize that this is not the time to throw a fit, it won't help anyone, least of all himself, what's done is done and snapping at Harry for his _stupid_ mistake won't change it, he doesn't want to start a fuss over something that happened two years ago.

Louis briefly considers that Liam may have actually possessed his body, he'd never normally pass up a chance to throw a good and well-deserved fit.

"Look, that was stupid." And Harry knows that, of course he does. "But I forgive you." Harry's eyes light up and his lips curl to a smile. _"If"_ They fall back down, just a little. "If you go out there and apologize to Zayn."

Harry looks like there's nothing worse that Louis could have told him to do, he looks close to _disgusted_.

"Louis, you can't seriously-"

"Yes, I can." Louis says easily. "You pull a shit move, you apologize."

Harry worries his bottom lip between his teeth and Louis can see his jaw flex, the fit is coming, he just _knows_ it, and, surprisingly, he's not the one about to throw it.

"He's a twat!" There it is. "Why did you even forgive him? He acted like an _asshole_ , Lou!" Harry says emphatically, he's almost yelling, he sounds very upset about it.

Louis was honestly starting to get surprised that no one has asked him that until now, they all seemed somewhat chill about it, no one gave him shit for it, he should have known this would happen sometime.

"Yes, he did. And then he _apologized_." He feels like he's talking to Freddie, honestly, Harry is such a kid sometimes. "Because that's what _adults_ do when they realize they've made a mistake. See, Harry? Every day is a school day."

Hello, sarcasm, his old friend. The mockery in his voice is _palpable._

"Lou, I don't know what he said to you-"

"I'll _tell_ you what he said to me. Text me, ring me, call me on _Skype_ , I'll tell you. Just not now." he assures, already awfully tired of this conversation. "Now you go and apologize. C'mon, Haz, for me." He bats his eyes at Harry and gives him a small smile. Never let it be said that Louis is not manipulative, it's his best quality.

Harry blinks once, twice. He swallows dryly, clearly reluctant. "Fine!" he says suddenly. They always give in, the boys, Louis has honed this skill for _years_ , the fans don't call him a little shit for nothing. "But we'll talk, yeah?"

"'Course we will." Louis assures. "Now let's go back, they'll think we're fucking, you always said you wanted to talk to me when we wanted to mess around at the hotels."

Harry seems to choke on air but he follows him back nonetheless. Louis loves making him blush, it's so easy, even if that blush will most certainly give off the wrong impression.

"You were gone an awfully long time." Zayn mentions as soon as they're back and Niall has the _nerve_ to snort and then chuckle, like he _knows_ something, like he used to when Harry and Louis came back from 'talks' disheveled, hair tousled and clothes rumpled, shirts haphazardly buttoned.

Zayn's eyes get _deadly_. Fucking peachy.

"Harry." Louis prompts, nodding towards Zayn openly, reveling in Harry's childish reluctance and the embarrassed sound that bubbles up his throat, he looks like a scolded puppy.

Harry's chest rises with a deep breath and his eyes flutter shut as he seems to prepare himself, like it will physically hurt him to apologize. Good, this is how it should feel, apologies aren't meant to be pleasant. "Zayn." He practically growls out the name. Zayn looks at him expectantly, lethal look still in place. "I'm sorry." Louis wants to laugh, Harry sounds like the words are being torn from his throat by force. "I shouldn't have told you when Louis and I got together." he says, and Louis is pleasantly surprised, he thought Harry would just leave it at a flat apology, he certainly wasn't eager to say more. "I wanted to piss you off, it was stupid. I'm sorry."

Zayn's jaw falls slack and it's positively comical. Louis isn't the only one who thinks so, Niall barks out an Irish laugh. He has the worst timing, honestly.

For a moment, Zayn looks even more offended and Louis thinks he may have just made it worse with his preaching on apologies but then he nods his head and his eyes lose their edge, their hostility. "Yeah, I'm sorry, too, I guess." he mumbles, and Louis feels like a proud parent. "For making it a big deal and shit." he elaborates.

Well, that's settled then.

"So, Zayn." Liam says suddenly, and Louis can tell he hasn't thought of a thing to say yet, it's just to break the silence that hasn't quite settled yet but will be unbearably awkward once it has. "We're all wondering-"

"We're all wondering what you told Louis to make him forgive you." Niall cuts off loudly, not unkindly, more curiously than anything, words muffled by the crisps that have fallen prey to his insatiable hunger.

The silence deafens, save for the poor crisps. Fucking Ireland.

And, yeah, _of course_ that's what they're wondering, but why would he just _say_ it? What is Niall thinking? Has everyone just, like, become extremely stupid since Louis last saw them?

Zayn keeps his mouth shut, fucker even leans back on his chair like he doesn't even plan on saying anything at all, like he's getting _comfortable_ , which is crazy, that's not how humans respond to that kind of situation.

Louis zips on his firefighter suit. He can't see a fire yet, but the smell of smoke is already tickling his nostrils and it's not Zayn's cigarette, he's pretty sure.

"So, the whether is _lovely_ this time of year." he exclaims, slamming both hands on the table.

The rain outside is pouring like crazy. Not his best moment.

Liam conceals his chuckle as a cough. He's bad at it. Louis shoots him a glare. Another cough, better acting this time.

"No, no, it's alright, Lou, no need to come to my rescue." Zayn says easily, and now Louis is the only one who looks like a fool, so there's that. "I'm sure you all know why I left in the first place." Louis looks like a fool, and _feels_ like a fool, and also feels utterly embarrassed because _'you know why I left'_ in this situation means _'you know Louis acted as a prostitute for a brief period of time'_ and, though they do know that, this is not the topic he was hoping to discuss this fine evening. "I'm not the only one who made mistakes, is all I'm saying."

Touché.

Of course Louis told them what happened, he's not that much of an idiot, because he actually has a sense of what is moral and what isn't, even though he absolutely did not want to and thought he may actually die from shame at the time.

The shame wasn't his greatest concern. The fear was.

He was scared that they'd be disgusted with him, with what he did, that they wouldn't accept that he'd been manipulated into it too, that he thought it was the right thing to do, but, most of all, he was scared they'd blame him for Zayn leaving, in the end, that they wouldn't believe he would have left otherwise, that they'd say it was his fault.

Which, hindsight being what it is, it was.

_Louis was looking firmly at the carpeted floor of the hotel room, tears falling liberally and seeping into the beige rug, and he hadn't looked at Liam in what felt like forever, he didn't dare to. "Why would you do this?!" Liam's loud voice carried, Louis could almost imagine Niall with his freakishly red ear pressed to the wall of the next room over. "Why the fuck would you do this, Louis?" he asked, less angrily, more defeatedly, like he was disappointed. Nightmare come true. "To both of you, Gods, I can't imagine how you must feel." And he hugged Louis, of all things. How Liam of him._

After that, it got easier. Louis explained and Liam did him the courtesy of listening quietly through all of it, thankfully, because Louis is certain he wouldn't have been able to continue if Liam had interrupted him. Then he did him the courtesy of understanding.

Liam is a blessing. Harry was harder to deal with.

_"For the love of God, Louis, in what Universe is what you did the first thing that pops to mind?" Harry had his fingers on his temples, like he was dealing with a child, how the tables turn sometimes. "Were you never taught how relationships work? You fucked up so bad, man, why?_ _" And Louis could do nothing but choke up Simon's name in all his crying, but Harry heard, he heard it loud and clear. "Louis, I hope you really fell in love with him at some point because if you didn't even do that, I swear to everything that's Holy-"_

But Louis never heard the rest because he said over and over that he did love him, he said it until his voice cracked and he was sobbing on his knees on the floor, he said it until Harry muttered he believed him as he pulled him to his feet and held him against his chest.

Harry was angry, for a while. Then, one night, he slipped into Louis' bunk and wrapped his arms around him tightly. And then he told him he didn't blame him, because Louis blamed himself enough for all of them, and that's not what he needed from them.

Niall, surprisingly, was the worst.

_He had his back to Louis, hadn't turned to look at him since he heard the confession, and all Louis could see of his face was the vague reflection in the window glass in front of him. He looked cold. "I can't be around you right now." he said, and it was frozen, chilling, it spread a new kind of frost in Louis' chest. "Leave." And Louis scrambled to flee the room, to flee the icy tone, to flee the disgust and disappointment he was sure those blue eyes would look at him with if Niall turned around to tell him again._

It took a long while and a lot of coaxing from Liam for Louis to try talking to Niall again. He suspects Liam spoke to Niall, too, convinced him to hear Louis out. He heard, and understood, and clearly stated that his understanding didn't mean forgiveness, not yet. He said he needed time. And Louis tried to comply.

A few painful weeks later that Louis spent subtly trying to make Niall forgive him in all that cold that was directed at him, he succeeded. Niall's hug was the only warmth he'd felt since before Zayn left.

What is with Zayn these past few days? These are _not_ the trips down memory lane Louis particularly enjoys.

Liam clears his throat next to him. "Yeah, we know."

And way down we go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yours truly, ilicon

**Author's Note:**

> Yours truly, ilicon


End file.
